The wonder of modern toys and some of my ideas.

(This is the first of two blogs that I wrote over the weekend.)

I’m sitting here with Barbie, Tanner and Mika in front of me. Barbie – obviously – is a doll, Tanner is her dog and Mika is her cat. You should see what they can do.
You feed Mika some water from a bottle and then squeeze her belly and the water comes out of a hole on her underside. Basically, she does a pee.
Tanner’s worse. You pull his tail up, his mouth opens and you pop a wee treat in there. You push down his tail and said treat is pooed out. I really think that this is awful, but it does open up the doors to new Barbie products. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Pirate Wench Barbie
Featuring a bottle of crog, Barbie comes dressed like a proper Busty Wench.

Maternity Unit Barbie Gift Set
Comes with Barbie and Ken dolls. Squeeze Barbie’s tummy and a wee baby pops out. Ken comes with cigar accessories.

Alcho-Pop Barbie
Barbie after she’s had a few. Her make-up’s gone a bit wonky, the hair’s a state, she’s lost one shoe and she can’t stand up properly.

Barnyard Vet Barbie
Barbie in a white coat, long gloves and features a cow accessory.

Off to Work Barbie
Barbie in a sharp-looking suit, knee-high boots and comes with a briefcase ready for a day in the office.

Time Of The Month Barbie
I don’t really need to explain this.

Divorced Barbie
Comes with half of Ken’s accessories. (That’s a very old joke; I put it in just for my Dad.)

Ninja Barbie
Dressed all in black including removable head cover. Comes with various Ninja Weapon accessories. Barbie has a real knife-throwing action!

Pop Idol Runner-Up Barbie
Comes with a grin that really encapsulates her smug sense of over-importance.

EMO Barbie
Barbie always looks too happy, EMO Barbie wouldn’t. Comes with a book of her own poetry and a My Chemical Romance hoodie.

Soldier Barbie
I have a tag line for this: “Barbie’s off to Iraq in style.” (This one’s a cross between Barbie and Action Man.)

Porn Star Barbie
Doesn’t come with many clothes. Comes with lots of accessories.

Footballer’s Wife Barbie
Comes with a grin that really encapsulates her smug sense of over-importance. Features five toy credit cards.

Sci-Fi Convention Barbie
Features a Star Trek outfit, phaser, tricorder, Vulcan Ears and really thick glasses.

Mac Obsessed Barbie
Comes with plastic Barbie-sized replica iPhone, iPod, and Powerbook accessories. Barbie herself is a Mac-compatible MP3 player.

Wheelchair-Bound Barbie
Poor Barbie’s broken her leg. Comes with a removable plaster and a pen to allow you to write supportive messages on her cast.

Burglar Barbie
Features a facemask, black and white stripped jumper and a large bag with ‘Swag’ written on it.

The sad thing is I came up with a couple of other ideas but didn’t put them in as I was convinced that some of them must exist.
When all is said and done I think that the point of the cat and dog set is to teach children that even though pets can be fun they also make a mess, so you need to clean up after them. My Barbie ideas wouldn’t really teach young children anything, except that they’ll find out that ninjas are just plain cool.