Virtually Fat Free

CDs I have never owned and correcting people.

2011-03-15T07:29:00.001Z

Here is another entry from my Primary Five diary, when I would have been aged 10.

Tuseday 15th March
On Saturday I practising my french. I know up-to dix in french (that means ten.) And then I went to Motherwell and we got a Meatloaf CD called Hits out of Hell. and a new food procer [processor] and then we went to Burger King. I got a Kid Vid troll.
On Sunday I had to take my mum to a seat, she sat and did some sewing and Matthew, Dad and I did the tea.

Twenty-six year old David here. Well, what to make of that? To start with I don't own - or have ever owned - Hits Out Of Hell by Meat Loaf. There's the strong chance I wrote that there just to write the word 'Hell'. And why would I take my Mum to a seat? Was she incapable of going to a seat by herself for some reason? Confusing. I also wish it know that even though I spelled the word 'processor' incorrectly my teacher (in Primary Five that would have been Mrs. Bone) corrected it incorrectly. So I took this opportunity to correct her.

This has been a most welcome distraction from writing about the safeguards of implementing good quality care in a residential care setting, but I really must get back to that now.

Byegood!

February 28th, the first really nice day of the year.

2011-02-28T17:35:00.000Z

… and I've been inside all day. It's been a good one though, my older brother moved out on Saturday and we have spent a lot of the day sorting through the stuff he left and putting stuff into boxes so Matthew can sort through it with ease on any return trips. On the plus side my lovely wee doggy (not a euphemism) has spent all day outside lapping up the sunshine and rolling around in glumps of sticky willy. I still don't know where she's finding it.

The downside of this tidying frenzy is that I got no work done. But as the house will be wonderfully silent for the day I will get loads done tomorrow. I also have a tutorial thingy tomorrow evening which should be fun. There might only be my tutor and I there, but a one on one tutorial may not be a bad thing.

What else has been happening? Oh, I was out on Friday at the O2 Academy (formally the Carling Academy) in Glasgow for a gig. Last time I was there was to see American singer/songwriter Ben Folds. This time I went to see American singer/songwriter Ben Folds. He was excellent and played an amazing set (including a solo version of Selfless, Cold And Compossed and a rocking' full band version of Army). His support act was very good also; a lady by the name of Kate Miller-Heidke. Here's a picture she took from the stage (you can see me, the bald dude near the front) and here's one of her videos (sadly, I can't embed it here).

Anyway. Must off. Got to pull a big bit of wood from a wall using nothing but my charm and my teeth. A like to set myself stupid goals.

Stranded in East Kilbride and other winter disasters.

2011-01-10T19:37:00.003Z

Happy new year everyone! What with one thing and another I’ve been incredibly busy over the last few months. Since my birthday to be exact. So, where to start with what I’ve been up to?

Well, the big news I suppose is that I’m sort of back in education. I’m doing an Open University course and really enjoying it. It’s taxing the old brain, but I suppose that’s the plan. To date I’ve written three essays and got pretty good results for all of them, which makes me a happy panda. Tomorrow I’m off to Napier University for the first tutorial I can actually attend and hopefully a chinwag with other people on my course. All very fun.

Winter was hectic. We got the theatre back (less said about that the better) and I stage-managed the panto. This year we pulled off a cracking production of Sleeping Beauty. As with all theatre shows it was damn hectic but once I actually stepped back and thought about it, it was very enjoyable. It’s just the journey towards getting it on stage wasn’t very enjoyable. However, the panto sort of fed a common festive problem. Secret Santa.

I shall try and keep my tale of purchasing a Secret Santa gift brief.

Now, I am no longer hiding the fact that I colluded with the director of the show and rigged the Secret Santa. Nothing bad, but I just happened to pull my fellow backstage helper; props person extraordinaire - Jenny. Jen, among her other fine qualities, also happens to be my girlfriend. The downside of this cunning plan was that I had no idea what to buy her. Long story short, I went to Glasgow on the day that most of the west of Scotland got stuck in their cars. I ended up attempting a commute home with my father from East Kilbride. It took us five hours to do about a mile and a half. We ended up back at my Dad’s office where we spent the night.
I cannot complain about this. I had access to hot food and drinks, toilets and warmth. I was also relatively comfortable (sleeping on a floor does wonders for one’s back). This is far more than hundreds of others that night. I left Glasgow on Monday and 10.45am and managed to get home at 11.00am on Tuesday; the first night of the panto.

Fortunately I got a Secret Santa present. Thank you Lush.

I could go on. I could mention my Grandmother managing to break her hip. I could mention a pipe bursting bringing down the bathroom ceiling and flooding said bathroom. I could mention the director of the panto cracking a bone in her elbow the day after the show finished. I could mention the stressful and confusing Doctor Who Christmas special.
I could mention these things, but I won’t. I shall let everyone get on with their lives and I shall be back in touch really soon.

Promise!

The Classroom Diary of David Cochrane (Aged Nine).

2010-09-06T07:16:00.001+01:00

It's my birthday today (I know; thank you. I am looking good for it, aren't I?) and I - like many other people on their birthday - found myself wondering what I was doing on this day seventeen years ago. Well, while up in the attic looking for something completed unrelated I happened upon my Classroom diary from Primary Five. So here is the entry from Monday the 6th of September 1993 complete with spelling mistakes. Enjoy!

Monday 6th of September 6/9/93
Today is my birthday. I got a pogo stick, Jurassic Park Jungle explorer, Alan Grant from Jurassic Park, a book on how to play the guitar and some lego. I've bulit the exploer allready and I had great fun doing it. The Jungle exploer has a D.N.A tester, dino-damage ponet and the sun-roof opens and the pumper comes off and so does the ponet.

Twenty-six year-old David back again. Well, I really loved Jurassic Park. When I was typing that out I felt a sudden surge of sympathy for my teacher having to read about thirty of those. Oh, 'ponet' is supposed to be 'bonnet' and 'the pumper' is a reference to the Jungle Explorer's bumper. You want to know two really tragic things? 1) I still have the pogo stick. I know exactly where it is and could be playing on it in less than a minute. But I can't because 2) I still can't do any more than four bounces on the damn thing.

I will be posting from this diary every so often because it's slightly stupid and funny.

Anyway, must off. I have stuff to do! Hope everyone has a good day. And I hope that my lovely lady-partner has a really good day as she starts college today. Go her!

grunt

2010-08-31T11:22:00.002+01:00

Hello. How is everyone today? I have a cold, had next to no sleep (a whole hour and a half, go me!) and I’m currently a bit on the peckish side. Other than that I’m grand thanks. Where does the time go? Did you know it’s nearly my birthday? It’s crazy.

At the moment I’m involved in three (count ‘em; one, two, THREE) theatre shows. I entered into two of them by myself, i.e. I was asked to do them and I said yes and the other one I was drunkenly dragged into. And so it comes to pass. I’m stage managing the pantomime this year, the Juniors show next year and I’m singing on stage in a month and a half. Rather unsurprisingly the singing was the drunken decision.

I would be looking forward to it more if I knew the material and I could actually sing. My lady-partner assures me that not being able to sing is not a problem and - after one rehearsal - I’m beginning to believe her.

The panto (Sleeping Beauty) and the kids show (The Dracula Rock Show - vampires are SO in at the moment) are to take place in the newly refurbished Biggar Corn Exchange. And I can’t get excited about it. For anyone that’s been in the Corn Exchange pre-refurb you’ll know it had a great vibe. I don’t want to say it had a home-grown feel because that’s a little twee, but it kind of did. Now, having seen pictures of it, I can’t help but think it’s just going to be another hall. There doesn’t seem to be a ‘Wow’ Factor; it just looks a bit... clinical. But that’s just a personal gripe.

I’ll feel happier once the singing show’s over. Anyway must go and practice my sing in Italian.

I’m in way over my head.

I have the answers!

2010-06-14T10:25:00.001+01:00

1. You followed me 'round the side/I asked you for a light/And a cigarette
Love To Try - Hotel Lights

2. Fred sits alone at his desk in the dark/There's an awkward young shadow that waits in the hall
Fred Jones, Pt. 2 - Ben Folds

3. Well you know that I heart everything about you/And that's why it's quite hard to get through this alone
Big Chair - Travis

4. I want my money back
Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back - Meat Loaf

5. Survived, tonight I may be going down/'Cause everything goes round too tight
You'll Follow Me Down - Skunk Anansie

6. You say it's not going to work out/Why do you have to tell me now?
Storytelling - Funeral For A Friend

7. My lullaby, hung out to dry
Smoke - Natalie Imbruglia

8. There's a saying that I read/saying fools was easy led
Between A Woman And A Man - Jimmy Nail

9. Somedays I look/I look at you with eyes that shine
Somedays - Paul McCartney

10. She broke down and let me in/Made me see where I've been
Never Going Back Again - Fleetwood Mac

11. Today's special is Springfield Soul Stew
Springfield Soul Stew - The Simpsons

12. Spunky don't like her uniform/It never fits her good
Spunky - Eels

13. Paint the target/We don't need no evidence
Don't Tell And We Won't Ask - Thrice

14. A thousand years, a thousand more/A thousand times a million doors to eternity
A Thousand Years - Sting

15. Underneath the bridge/The tarp has sprung a leak
Something In The Way - Nirvana

16. Words fall from my mouth/Like plates from shaking hands
Evil And A Heathen - Franz Ferdinand

17. I used to be lunatic from the gracious days/I used to be woebegone and so restless nights
No More "I Love You's" - Annie Lennox

18. Howard, the strangest things/have happened lately when I/take a good swing at all my dreams/they pivot and slip
Boxing - Ben Folds Five

19. I've been thinking that you've crossed the line/If you disappeared that would be just fine
Shame For You - Lily Allen

20. Come on Balthazar I refuse to let you die/Come on fallen star I refuse to let you die
Centrefolds - Placebo

21. She's quiet when shes down/Strangers from other towns
Lovers In The Backseat - Scissor Sisters

22. If there's a God he's laughing at us/And our football team
Effington - Ben Folds

23. I've tried hard to do my best (ooh baby)/So I could stand out from the rest (yeah)
Can't You See (You Doin' Me Wrong) - Tower Of Power

24. Sing, Michael, sing/On the route of the 19 Bus
Rudie Can't Fail - The Clash

25. Laura/Can't you give me some time?
Laura - Scissor Sisters

26. How did we ever go this far?/You touch my hand and start the car
Stars - t.A.T.u.

27. Hi Time magazine hi Pulitzer Prize/Tribal scars in Technicolor/Bang bang club AK 47 hour
Kevin Carter - Manic Street Preachers

28. Don't go away/There is something that I want to say
Need To Know - Aberfeldy

29. Just when I thought I was safe/You found me in my hiding place
Love Gives Love Takes - The Corrs

30. She can walk out anytime/Anytime she wants to walk out
By The Sea - Suede

I hate being ill.

2010-06-10T09:34:00.000+01:00

Ugh.

I've been ill since Monday and I frankly can't be doing with it. Normally when I get ill I just carry on about my business, but this seems to have just drained everything out of me. I have no idea what is actually wrong with me and I'm not going to post the symptoms or anything. Needless to say I've been running a higher than normal temperature and I've been getting very tired very easily.

(Oh – speaking of temperatures here's something that annoys me. When someone says something like "Little Jimmy can’t come to school today; he's got a temperature." Has he now? Well, so have I. 98.6 °F. Everyone has a temperature. Little Jimmy has a high temperature.)

I think the very, very worst thing anyone can do is to look their symptoms up on the Internet. I have a male friend that once typed the symptoms of an illness he had into a popular and uttered the immortal line "Doctor Google says that I have Ovarian Cancer." The Internet really isn’t reliable for that sort of thing (although I have it on good authority that some doctors use search engines to discover what's wrong with some of their patients).

The other problem is that I don't really trust local GP practices either. When I lived in Perth I was left sitting in a waiting room for nearly three and a half hours because the receptionist had forgotten to tell the computer that I had arrived. I was then told they didn't have another appointment until five days later. And then I got a bill for not turning up for my appointment! Needless to say that it didn't get paid. I have a lot more stories about that surgery, but I shall save them for another time.

Anyway, that’s enough of me complaining! I need to go and do some things; I have a new firm mattress delivered (I think it's some bricks with some fabric wrapped round them) so I should go and get ready for that arriving.

Stay healthy everyone!

And I don't want you thinking I had to use Wikipedia to find out what the average human body temperature is...

Does this mean I've run out of ideas?

2010-06-07T11:06:00.002+01:00

Music Meme/Quiz
--------------------------
Step 1: Put your music player on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line (or a few ;)) from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing.
Step 3: Italicise the lyrics and post the details when someone guesses both artist and track correctly.
Step 4: For those who are guessing -- looking the lyrics up on a search engine is CHEATING!
Step 5: If you like the game post your own.
--------------------------

01. You followed me 'round the side/I asked you for a light/And a cigarette

02. Fred sits alone at his desk in the dark/There's an awkward young shadow that waits in the hall
Fred Jones, Pt. 2 - Ben Folds

03. Well you know that I heart everything about you/And that's why it's quite hard to get through this alone

04. I want my money back
Life Is A Lemon And I Want My Money Back - Meat Loaf

05. Survived, tonight I may be going down/'Cause everything goes round too tight

06. You say it's not going to work out/Why do you have to tell me now?

07. My lullaby, hung out to dry
Smoke - Natalie Imbruglia

08. There's a saying that I read/saying fools was easy led

09. Somedays I look/I look at you with eyes that shine
Somedays - Paul McCartney

10. She broke down and let me in/Made me see where I've been

11. Today's special is Springfield Soul Stew

12. Spunky don't like her uniform/It never fits her good

13. Paint the target/We don't need no evidence

14. A thousand years, a thousand more/A thousand times a million doors to eternity
A Thousand Years - Sting

15. Underneath the bridge/The tarp has sprung a leak

16. Words fall from my mouth/Like plates from shaking hands

17. I used to be lunatic from the gracious days/I used to be woebegone and so restless nights

18. Howard, the strangest things/have happened lately when I/take a good swing at all my dreams/they pivot and slip

19. I've been thinking that you've crossed the line/If you disappeared that would be just fine

20. Come on Balthazar I refuse to let you die/Come on fallen star I refuse to let you die

21. She's quiet when shes down/Strangers from other towns

22. If there's a God he's laughing at us/And our football team
Effington - Ben Folds

23. I've tried hard to do my best (ooh baby)/So I could stand out from the rest (yeah)

24. Sing, Michael, sing/On the route of the 19 Bus

25. Laura/Can't you give me some time?
Laura - Scissor Sisters

26. How did we ever go this far?/You touch my hand and start the car
Stars - t.A.T.u.

27. Hi Time magazine, hi Pulitzer Prize/Tribal scars in Technicolor/Bang bang club AK 47 hour

28. Don't go away/There is something that I want to say

29. Just when I thought I was safe/You found me in my hiding place

30. She can walk out anytime/Anytime she wants to walk out

Good luck with this, five of the song titles are contained within the first line of their respective songs. And at least two first lines have part of the song title in them. Again, good luck. You have a week!

Guilty Pleasures.

2010-06-02T09:33:00.001+01:00

I think that everyone has at least one guilty pleasure; things that they really enjoy but don't like to admit enjoying. Well, I have several. And I'm going to share some of them. Please don't think to bad of me.

13 Going On 30
That's right, the Jennifer Garner romantic comedy. A thirteen-year-old girl goes to sleep and wakes up as a thirty-year-old Jennifer Garner. She sees how much her life has changed and she doesn't like it. I'm not really sure what I like about it, it's just a great piece of fun.

Tissues And Issues
Charlotte Church's pop album. Every song is a different style of music and she really can sing. At twelve tracks and forty-eight minutes long it doesn't outstay its welcome.

Chris De Burgh
Yep. I don't even mind Lady In Red that much.

Maltesers
Love 'em. Can't get enough of them. I try not to eat them these days though, once I start it's tricky to stop.

Comic Books
People say that comic books are a lazy form of reading because you don't have to use your imagination as much. I don't agree. It takes a lot more work to plan and write a comic and they're just as good as a book.

Blink-182
Yeah, they're immature. Yeah, only one of them is a good musician (and he’s over-rated). Yeah, one of the lead singer can't sing that well. But the tunes are catchy and that's pretty much what I want from an album these days.

There you go, short but sweet!

One Of The Most Important Album Of The Last Ten Years.

2010-04-11T11:08:00.002+01:00

Well hello there! It's been a while since my last proper blog, hasn't it? Today, as you may have guessed, I'll be talking about what I consider to be one of the most important and influential albums of the last decade; Black Cherry by Goldfrapp.

It took me a while to get into Goldfrapp. I remember seeing them on Later... playing Human from their first album and I liked it but it took me ages to buy it. I bought Black Cherry when it came out but I didn't realise what I was listening to at the time. It was the first album to revisit the 80s style electro-clam and has become very influential. Without this album we wouldn't have had some of the later Madonna stuff, Little Boots, La Roux or Lady Gaga. Some would say that this would be a good thing.

That's not to say that people have flat-out copied it; Lordy, no. People have drawn influences from it, put their own spin on it. But I'm not sure if they would have come up with the 80s clam sound without Black Cherry.

Speaking of Lady Gaga, I have a theory about her and her wardrobe. She dresses like she does (insanely) because she doesn't really have any discernible talent. Sure, she can write a tune but there isn't anything special about her songs; I certainly don't see why she's as popular as she is.

So, if I'm not listening to Lady Gaga then what am I listening to? At the moment I'm enjoying Do Whatever Turns You On by Aberfeldy, Dear Catastrophe Waitress by Belle & Sebastian, For Emma, Forever Ago by Bon Iver, Mariachi El Bronx by The Bronx, Super Extra Gravity by The Cardigans, Vinnie Colaiuta by Vinnie Colaiuta, Plans by Death Cab For Cutie, Asleep In The Back by Elbow and Evelyn Evelyn by Evelyn Evelyn. All brilliant and well worth tracking down.

Toodle-pip!

Is this thing on?

2010-04-10T15:36:00.002+01:00

Hi. Remember me? David's the name.

I haven't written anything for a while because I can't really think of much that's interesting. I have just popped a wee blog up with a fairly accurate description of nu-metal (I thought of it while walking the dog; my brain tends to drift off).

I will try and post more from now on, I promise! I have a blog nearly ready to go explaining what I think is the most important album from the last decade. So that'll be fun!

... right?

Describing a musical genre in less that twenty words.

2010-04-10T15:35:00.000+01:00

Nu-Metal: Radio friendly mediocre heavy rock with a DJ. Nothing special but not unenjoyable.

That's it. For examples see Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park and KoЯn.

David's Quick Movie Review: Number Five.

2010-02-21T16:32:00.001Z

Moon.

Man on his own on the moon finds out something massive which you are not expecting. It's awesome.

The Genius of Doctor Buckles.

2010-02-15T08:30:00.001Z

Nothing better than to start your week with a giggle. Enjoy!

David Mundell; MP for Dumfriesshire, Clydesdale and Tweeddale does not listen to voters.

2010-01-28T11:49:00.003Z

Late in 2009 I received a letter from David Mundell, my local MSP. It was more of a survey, really. Now, he's a Conservative MP and - not wanting to go too much into my political leanings - I refuse to vote for the Tories. I don't agree with a lot of what they say and I feel that they just jump on the wagon of public opinion. Let's put it thins way; I don't think they'll do a better than the current Labour government.

I didn't fill the survey in. However, in the Any Other Business box-thing on the form I wrote something along the lines of Stop writing to me, I have no intention of voting Conservative so you really are wasting paper on me. That wasn't the exact wording, but it was pretty much along those lines. I felt it was polite yet strong. For weeks I thought it had worked. Until the post arrived this morning.

The from letter Mr. Mundell read:

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my recent survey and for letting me have the issues raised in it. As your Member of Parliament I believe it is vital that I keep closely in touch with the views of local people so that I can represent to the best of my ability the interests of our area and your help is much appreciated.

What can I gather from this? If he had read it he should have known I was a lost cause and scraped me from his list. He either read it and ignored it or this was just a letter sent to everyone that sent the survey back. If he had read it (or indeed a member of his staff had read it) then someone would have noticed that I didn't actually fill the survey out. Now, what does this say about him as a politician? I can only assume that he either doesn't listen or doesn't care about his voters. He/his staff ignored my request for them to stop sending me letters. I understand that what with an election coming up he wants to keep voters on side, but he won't get my support by not doing the one thing that I have ever asked of a politician, and it was a pretty simple thing at that. Reading the letter carefully it could be interpreted as a reason for his ongoing correspondence. Which is fair enough, but it does suggest that he's read it and he's chosen to ignore it.

I could email him, his email address is at the bottom of the letter, but really what's the point? I'll just get an automated response back. I'm also reluctant to give him my email address, who knows what world of pain I'd be entering into.

David's Quick Movie Review: Number Four.

2010-01-26T23:23:00.000Z

Memento.

A movie that takes place pretty much completely backwards. It is brilliant; go and buy it. You can borrow my copy if you want!

Snow is thawing, all around us.

2010-01-12T10:32:00.001Z

So, that would appear to be the snow going away now and - let me tell you - it isn't before time. I was trying to work out when the snow first started falling in my little corner of darkest Lanarkshire. I figured that it must have started on the 17th of December; that's nearly four weeks ago. I love snow, but not that much.

I didn't mention on the pages of this blog about the merry hell my Father and I went through on the Sunday before Christmas. We had gone to do the Santa Run. This is an annual event were we head vaguely north to Dunblane and come back via (what's it called?) Cumbernauld to drop Christmas presents off to family members. We left Dunblane and it was snowing. We arrived in Cumbernauld and it was really snowing. It then took us three hours to do what should have been a forty-five minute drive home. Admittedly we did get lost owning to Dad not knowing Cumbernauld and me having bugger all sense of direction. And we also stopped because we both needed a leg stretch and something to drink. The car needed something to drink too. It was three hours of my life which I don't want to repeat in a hurry.

What's been happening here is we get a day of snow, a day without it where you clear paths and dig cars out and then a day of snow again putting you right back where you started. It was wonderful to have a white Christmas; but I'm ready for the snow to go away now, thank you very much.

Even Glasgow has been affected. I was in there yesterday in an area that I don't normally go to and there was a lot of slow waddling along very slippery and frankly dangerous pavements. And the Outer Circle of the Underground was suspended meaning I had to do a full circle of the system to get back into town. Add onto that the train line between Motherwell and Lanark being bust and it makes for pretty tricky travelling conditions. Fortunately travelling in and out of Glasgow was a piece of cake yesterday thanks to a few lovely, lovely people.

And while I'm complaining about things a new breed of idiot has been born. I hate it when people leave shops and just stand there in the doorway blocking your entrance to/exit from a shop. However yesterday I slid slowly and inevitably into someone that got to the top of an escalator and just stopped. There was nothing I could do expect bang into the back of them and then they had the cheek to look angry with me! Idiot. What do you expect to happen when you stopped at the end of a moving conveyer belt?

Look on this at the first rant of the New Year. Anyway, must go. Things to do...

Does this mean I have to change my calendar?

2010-01-01T11:40:00.001Z

Years ago I was at a new years party at my ex-girlfriend's little sister's house. The first thing I had to do on the morning of the new year was to help muck out a stable full of horses. Nothing like smelling of crap first thing in the year.

This year I had to go outside and shovel snow. Again. The snow was nice for the first few days but two weeks later and it's still here, and now it's compacted and frozen and difficult to shift off of my path. Not even a seven pound sledgehammer was doing the job. Needless to say I worked until I could no longer feel my toes or face, looked upon what I had done and proclaimed to the world in general that "It'll do." and came back in the house to warm myself up with a coffee-flavoured kettle juice.

So what does this day have planned for me? Well, got my Aunt, Uncle and oldest cousin coming so I will probably eat until I burst. Then I shall sneak off and watch Doctor Tennant become Doctor Smith and then probably treat myself to my first DVD of 2010 which shall be Austin Powers; The Spy Who Shagged Me. How did they get away with that as a movie title?

Anyway, I wish everyone out there in this sphere of blog a very Happy New Year and all the best for the year ahead. I hope however you choose to spend it that it's a good one!

David's Quick Movie Review; Number Three.

2009-12-28T09:37:00.002Z

It's Complicated.

I studied the poster for this film carefully yesterday and I can tell you that this film will not have a plot.

Ten Things That I Have Never Done At Christmas.

2009-12-14T07:27:00.000Z

1. Watched the Queen's Speech.
One day I will, but at three o'clock on Christmas day I'm usually thinking about food. Or eating food.

2. Been in a shop when it closes on Christmas Eve.
Mainly because it would be bloody horrible to 1) Witness people just grabbing anything and 2) Getting back home afterward.

3. Witness a family member get drunk and argue with other family members.
Thankfully I don't really come from a big family of drinkers. However it would be brilliant to see certain of my family members a little the worse for ware.

4. Kept my paper hat from my cracker on for the rest of the day.
I always think I'm going to, but then I go outside and decide I look a fool or it rips. One day it will be on until I go to bed.

5. Had a snowball fight/built a snowman.
Because it NEVER snows at Christmas round here. If it does then it's just a small dusting, hardly enough for one decent snowball...

6. Gone for a walk cheerily saying Merry Christmas to everyone that walks past me.
If I do for a walk (i.e. walk the dog) I never see anyone. Clearly they're enjoying the day, cooking lunch or just having fun inside somewhere.

7. Attended a Watch Night Service.
My local church would be bloody freezing. The heating doesn't work at the best of times so going at 23:30 on Christmas Eve would be chucking filly.

8. Managed to sleep past nine on Christmas Morning.
I'm twenty-five and still get excited about Christmas. I'm sad.

9. Anything to do with carol singing.
I have never been carol singing, carol singers have never turned up at my door, I have never seen a group or carolers on the street.

10. Seen Television's idea of Christmas in real life.
Has anyone ever seen this though? Television's idea of Christmas is a dark, but well lit street with lots of snow carefully shoveled to the side so it's there without being a slippery threat. Inevitably a rosy-cheeked we scamp (wearing a hat with a bobble on top of it) will feature somewhere. Everyone's in a good mood and smiling and there's a group of carolers singing while all the shop keepers look out of their windows and appear happy? Is Christmas really like that anywhere?

David's Quick Movie Review; Number Two.

2009-12-09T22:13:00.001Z

Labyrinth.

Brilliant movie, with a young Jennifer Connelly and David Bowie in a costume that leaves very little to the imagination.

Ten Things I Love About Christmas.

2009-12-08T07:56:00.000Z

1. The general mood in the air.
No matter what anyone says there is a Christmas spirit; it's a cheeriness in the air. Lovely. I'm going to Glasgow two days before Christmas (Christmas Eve Eve) to soak it all up.

2. Mince Pies.
I love mince pies. We only get three months of sweet mince pie goodness before the government takes them away again. Got to enjoy them while you can.

3. Wondering if it'll be a white Christmas.
It never bloody is a white Christmas, but it's fun to wonder. If it does snow on Christmas Day it'll be a light covering that I will slip on and fall over. Becuase that's just what I do.

4. The Christmas copy of the Radio Times.
Does it get any better? A bumper edition of the Radio Times detailing everything you could want to know about what's on on the box in the corner of the room over the festive period. Christmas officially starts for me with the Christmas Radio Times.

5. The smell of Mulled Wine.
I'm not hugely keen on the taste (although I will drink it) but the smell is a proper festive smell. Like Christmas pudding. Or sprouts.

6. Sprouts.
I L.O.V.E. sprouts. They are all forms of awesome. Get some bread sauce, a sprout and some stuffing on your fork and it's like there's a party in your mouth. If you can spear a parsnip then more power to you. Parsnips are awesome as well.

7. The Doctor Who Christmas Special.
How many of these have there been? Four? I think the fifth one's this year. But it's become a real tradition for families to sit down and watch this show on Christmas Day. I do it. I'll be doing it this year in the hope that maybe, just maybe, Martha turns up.

8. Crackers.
Because, you know, I'm childish.

9. Fairytale Of New York by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl.
This song is brilliant. Probably one of the best Christmas songs out there. I also like Wombling Merry Christmas. I you would like to know why see point eight.

10. Spending time with the people I love.
After all, that's what Christmas is all about, isn't it?

Ten Things I Hate About Christmas.

2009-12-02T07:52:00.001Z

1. Adverts.
Adverts seem to get even more stupid and annoying at Christmas time. I don't like them.

2. People that argue there is a difference between 'Christmas' and 'Xmas'.
From what I understand Christmas is the religious festival whereas Xmas is the commercial side for Atheists. Pile of bollocks if you ask me.

3. All I Want for Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey
If there is one Christmas song that makes me want to jump up and down in pure frustration it's this one. I know this contradicts something to come, but it's just TOO jolly.

4. The Polar Express.
God. If I ever have to sit through this shit film again it'll be too soon. Amazingly, one of the only films that actually gets longer the more you watch it.

5. The arguments that come with cooking Christmas Lunch.
No one has a stress free Christmas. This is not a criticism of anyone (hi Mum!) but no matter how well you have things planned there will always be the last minute rush when the turkey needs to come out the oven and get carved, the sprouts need to be drained, the white sauce needs a last stir before it's dished... Oh, I'm getting hungry now.

6. The sheer number of catalogues that turn up in my house.
I blogged about this last year, I think. Every major chain shop brings out a catalogue usually in reds or silvers or greens explaining all their good deals for the coming season. And that's not to mention the increase of email from Amazon, Play, the Apple Store and the like.

7. Christmas lights going up and switched on in November.
Seriously, switch them on on the first day of advent. I know it's to get you in the festive mood, but still. December the first.

8. The same films on nearly every year.
Every year you get The Nightmare Before Christmas, The Snowman, It's A Wonderful Life, a Home Alone film (which isn't about Christmas, just set at Christmas) and some take on A Christmas Carol, be it a take on the book or a re-work such as Scrooged. Don't get me wrong, I love The Nightmare Before Christmas, I watched The Snowman for the first time last year (I've always liked Raymond Briggs' drawing style, there's a fragility to it) but just for once I would love to see something like Hocus Pocus on at Christmas.

9. Santa Claus.
A controversial one here. I have mixed feelings about this myself. If I ever have a child then I don't want to lie to him/her. But then there's Santa. Do I really want to tell my offspring that a big, fat, bearded man comes into the house every Christmas Eve, leaves presents and eats and/or drinks stuff you've left out for him? I only recently worked out that it was probably my Dad that ate the mince pie and drank the class of milk that my brother and I used to leave out for Santa. That said, I'm still waiting on my parents telling me the awful truth about Santa...

10. The thought that someone, somewhere is spending Christmas on their own.
That's not what it's all about.

Epic. Epic. Epic.

2009-11-25T12:19:00.001Z

I'm prepared to put money on most people having already seen this, but if you have watch it.

NOW!

David's Quick Movie Review; Number One.

2009-11-20T08:53:00.001Z

I thought it would be fun to try and put a film review into as few words as possible thus giving a short view of the film which isn't hugely in depth. It doesn't even require me to see the film. For the first of these I'm picking a film where really the only real information I have got about it was by studying the poster. So here is my quick review of Twilight; New Moon.

Don't waste your time, there aren't any vampires in this film.

I may post another of these tomorrow.

Christmas in mid-November.

2009-11-15T10:39:00.001Z

It's bang on the middle of November and it's officially Christmas. I was all own my own on Friday night (any sympathy greatly received) and there were so many adverts on saying that this is now available as a the perfect present or this sofa can be delivered before Christmas and all guff. Why can't Christmas start on the first of December? That's when all lights go on, mince pies and Mulled Wine goes on sale, all adverts come on and - most importantly - when it starts snowing. It would coincide with children (and me) opening the first door of their advent calendars. This, I think, would make Christmas wonderful. But it won't happen, companies like to shove Christmas at you for as long as they can.

I don't want to come across as some sort of Scrooge figure, but as you get older Christmas just isn't as exciting. I didn't think I would ever believe it but I do now. Funny story, last year on Christmas Eve try as I might I just could not feel festive. The tree was looking great the house was full of the smell of mulled wine but I just couldn't feel like it was Christmas the next day. And then I went next door to drop off some presents to my next-door neighbours. Half an hour in the company of three primary-school-aged girls and a then two month old boy made me feel like it really was Christmas. It was great and I'll be doing the same this year!

So, what to do between now and Christmas? Well, the living room is in the midst of a complete transformation. I've got a shed loads of DVDs to make, and then I've got to work out what to get people for Christmas. But I've got a month and a half, so it's all good!

Right, got to go and lift a carpet.

My amazing television idea.

2009-10-18T23:01:00.001+01:00

I've had a great idea for a TV show. I haven't got a title for it yet but I've been kicking around the idea of T.N.T. standing for Trivial Nonsense Talk.

Basically you get someone on that's promoting something; be it an artist or band that's just put a single out, an actor with a new film or an author that's written a book. Then you ask him/her questions that no one else would ask. Questions like 'What are your favourite kind of tomatoes?', 'Do you like building flat pack furniture?' or 'Who would win in a fight? Thelma or Louise?'.

I don't know why I think this is a good idea, I just really like the idea of Brad Pitt talking about the merits of CD over vinyl or Lady Gaga explaining why she prefers sparkling over still water.

Right, you should probably get on with your life now.

Any Other Business?

2009-10-08T14:30:00.000+01:00

This, I promise you, is completely real. The following is taken from the minutes of an Eakring Parish Council Meeting held on Wednesday the 14th May 2008. They're online for anyone to see. I have copied and pasted the Any Other Business section as it has one of the most amazing things on there. Which I really want to know the story behind. Again, I have not tampered with this at all (except with the spacing).

Any Other Business
1. Tree cutting on Back Lane was discussed. The following things arose from this:
a) It would be a good idea to suggest to the landowner the planting of some replacement trees.
b) Parish Councillors are advised to report things to the Clerk for onward transmission to the relevant authority rather than contact parishioners direct.
c) Parish Councillors and parishioners need refreshing on what constitutes a ‘tree’ and what is permitted work. Clerk to write to Mr Catchpole for a definition.
d) Clerk to report the tree cutting to Mr Catchpole at NSDC.
2. The issue of the ancient drains in the village was raised.
3. A parishioner has raised the question of the PC’s use of the Eakring Echo and its sponsorship.
4. Another parishioner wished to know if the problems with the telephone directories have been solved yet.
5. Mr Neale said a parishioner had drawn his attention to overhanging foliage on the pavement on Main Street between Wellow Road junction and the Old School. Clerk to contact Highways Dept.
6. The missile launcher parked at a property on Kirklington Road has caused comments from a number of parishioners about unauthorised access of a vehicle to a property and causing damage to the road surface. Clerk to contact Highways Dept.

A MISSILE LAUNCHER?!

Bad Movie Lines.

2009-10-04T21:19:00.003+01:00

Here are my nominations for the worst, most pointless lines in movies.

"Neo, I believe." - Kid; The Matrix Revolutions
A visually stunning film spoiled by the complicated plot and the slightly wooden acting. This particular line was meant to be dramatic and it just wasn't.

"Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed." - Carrie; Four Weddings And A Funeral
How? It was chucking it down!

"What am I seeing with my eyes?" - Paris; Pitch Black
Now, what am I seeing with my bum?

"There's no Hogwarts without you Hagrid." - Harry; Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets
The worst thing in the world is to end your film on a cringe-worthy note. He did nothing there but give Malfoy ammunition.

"Holy cricket, you're Harry Potter!" - Hemrione; Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone
Proof, if proof be needed, that the screenplay of HP1 was written by an American. I'm surprised the line didn't start "Golly gosh..."

"Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!" - Darth Vader; Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith
Darth Vader is a bad ass. He shows NO emotion. "My wife's dead? Good. She was far too clingy."

"You know what happens when a toad gets struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else." - Storm; X-Men
Pointless, pointless, pointless. Again a 'dramatic line' which meant nothing.

"You're why cavemen chiseled on walls." - Simon; As Good As It Gets
Helen Hunt isn't that old. Right?

"Jack, this is where we first met." - Rose; Titanic
I'm sure he was able to remember the previous day.

"We were made to fit together." - Maggie; City Of Angels
This was the exact point that I gave up with this movie.

"And you people... you're all astronauts on some kind of star trek?" - Zeferman; Star Trek: First Contact
An attempt at sly humor there.

"Tell my wife I love her" - Any character that knows he's going to die in any war film ever made.
It's easy to write a cliche, but come on. A bit more of an inspirational last line is needed from you, whoever you are.

So there you are. Anyone know any others?

Uprising.

2009-09-20T20:36:00.003+01:00

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Muse don't like miming that much.

EDIT.
Further proof that Muse don't like miming.

The Crystal Knightmare.

2009-09-09T09:37:00.001+01:00

I watched The Rocky Horror Picture Show last night. It's a bonkers film; but not un-enjoyable. I was prepared to hate it because of The Time Warp, but they got that out the way pretty quickly. Anyway, I digress. As Richard O'Brian was in it I started thinking about one of the greatest television programs of all time. The Crystal Maze.

The Crystal Maze, if for some bizarre reason you haven't seen or can't remember it, was a program where a group of six people had to complete various puzzles. Each puzzle was set in its own little room and had a strict time limit. If you succeeded in your challenge you would get a crystal which would give you five seconds in the crystal dome. If you failed then you came out empty-handed. If you were still in the room when your time ran out you got locked in the room.

And there were four zones. Each zone had different puzzle rooms in that zone's theme. There was the Aztec zone (a lot of sand), the medieval zone (a lot of stone), the Futuristic zone (a lot of radio controlled vehicles) and a zone that had something to do with a ship (you've guessed it; lots of water). Clearly all the budget went on the sets, because I remember the prizes as awful. If you had won enough time in the crystal dome to get enough of the gold tickets to win the 'grand prize' then good old Richard O'Brian would announce that they had won an afternoon's pony trekking or something.

Another program that I liked was a program called Knightmare. In this program a ten/eleven year old child (a boy usually, not a lot of girls on Knightmare) had to put this big helmet on which obscured his eyes and his friends had to guide him through all these different dungeons telling him what to do so he didn't get killed.

In reality the kid with the helmet on was in a big room with a lot of green screens and it was all computer generated. But what I really liked about this program was that if they steered their friend wrong and he 'died' that was it. Go home you losers, you failed. I only remember about two groups ever completing the quest. It would often take weeks for a team to work through the story and they explained this away by saying that the dungeon was in a weird time zone or something and that the dungeon only worked for twenty-minutes at a time. Now, that's good writing!

I haven't sold either of these programs well, so judge for yourself.

And this is how not to play Knightmare.

What is it I need again?

2009-08-29T08:32:00.000+01:00

Quick one, as I'm going out soon and need to finish breakfast/have a shower and all that.

A few years ago on the old blog I posted a thing about typing "[insert your name here] needs" into your search engine of choice and have a chuckle about what comes up. Well, while waiting on my computer to do somethings the other day I thought I'd try this again. So, here are a few results from the first page of the search 'David needs'.

- Why Dirty David needs a wash
- David needs to Come home soon
- David needs to Shower
- David needs the beach
- David needs a friend

Don't know what that says about people called David really. I shower every day, I'm currently at home, I have friends and have NO need of the beach. Let's see what comes up for some other people that I know. These may be edited so people can't match up names...

- **** needs to bring sexy back
- **** needs to be storm ready
- **** needs a smack daddy
- **** needs to act his/her age
- **** needs a wee
- **** needs to win sexiest veg
- **** needs some testicles
- **** needs more pub
- **** needs parenting classes.

Some people need some weird things. Oh, and it's Matthew needs to bring sexy back. Matthew also needs more Jesus.

On polishing turds.

2009-08-28T10:01:00.000+01:00

First off, the Amanda Palmer gig was excellent, lots of music, fun and some... dancing. We were even treated to a reading from Miss. Palmer's boyfriend; one Mr. Neil Gaimen. That was slightly unexpected. Once again, we ended up very close to Amanda as she decided to entertain her queuing fans by performing on song with a ukulele while standing on top of a bin on Lothian Road. Good times. I even got attacked by a puppet of a conjoined twin wearing a T-Shirt which read "AFP Is Not Your Bitch." The car journeys there and back again were also highly chucklesome. It was a jolly good night.

On a completely different subject, it occurred to me that I have seemed to spend a lot of life lately disguising turds. There is a saying "You can't polish a turd, but you can disguise it." Basically; rubbish will always be rubbish but you can usually fix it slightly so it's not as bad. This was done a lot while I was at college, trying to make crap performances and recordings sound good and I'm doing it still, but with different media.

I make DVDs for the local theatre company in this area. The last show - as was commented on a lot around April - was The King And I. This was a complex production which took place in the assembly hall of the high school (now the old high school; it's currently being torn down) and the show had two casts. Well, one and a half, really. Two Annas, two Tuptims, two Chulalongkorns and two sets of Siamese children. The King was the same throughout the run and a few other cast members didn't alter either.

Because of the (for sake of argument) two casts the show was filmed on two nights, so everyone involved was on film doing their thing. However Saturday's show was filmed using a camera recording to an SD card and was filmed at very low quality, making it look very blocky with terrible sound. Again, people expect me to be able to work miracles with these things and I simply can't. Again, you can't polish a turd.

If I had better video editing software then maybe. But I don't. I don't even get consulted on how these things get filmed, never mind that I'm the one that has to deal with them, that's not important. I'm currently trying to locate a good camera that will sort these problems and allow me to edit the shows a bit faster.

Even if I do find a new camera (and convince the people that matter to spend £1000 on it) another problem is soon going to present itself. The theatre has just got a lot of money to fix things that need fixed; the dry rot, for example. There's new foldaway seating going in too, meaning that we won't be able to position the camera where we would usually. So I'm going to have to go in once it's all finished and work out where's best to put the camera, or it will change from show to show and anger me.

However, I'm really happy that the theatre has got this money; it'll be nice not to worry about falling through the ceiling while in some of the upstairs rooms.

A weak-kneed meeting.

2009-08-16T20:51:00.003+01:00

When I get nervous I talk a lot. So when I was standing outside the Edinburgh branch of Forbidden Planet on Sunday waiting to get my Who Killed Amanda Palmer book and CD signed by Amanda Palmer I was gibbering like a budgie. I would like to apologies now to Linda, Jennifer and Victoria who were kind enough to let me come along to the aforementioned signing with them. I would have gone anyway, but this way I had company.

We were there early and queued for about forty-five minutes outside the shop. We were quite near the front of the cue until Amanda showed up. We were instructed to come in and listened to Miss. Palmer perform a song, which was excellent. We were then told to get back outside and wait again and we ended up pretty much at the back. This had it's pros, as we got our stuff signed then stuck around and then got pictures taken with the delightful Amanda. I went rather weak-kneed when she agreed to have her picture taken with me, offered me a cookie and put her arm round my shoulders in preparation for the photo. I would have preferred it if I didn't have half a cookie stuck in the side of my mouth but you can't win them all. Here's the picture. (Thanks to Jenny for taking it!)

This is my first encounter with Amanda Palmer in six days, I'm off to the concert at the HMV Picture House this Saturday night, which will be very fun.

Come to think of it, I'm still gibbering now. The only difference is that I'm writing my gibbers down.

Infiltration.

2009-08-12T17:03:00.000+01:00

Yesterday - thanks to to some friends - we gain access Edinburgh's Festival Theatre. One of the lovely people that took me on this fun trip is doing an art project based around theatres and we were allowed to have a look round so she could take pictures. I had no idea that this was happening; I just assumed that they were going to be tickets for something.

We were met by a very enthusiastic education officer by the name of Emma how took us through the stage door into the backstage area where we got to see one of the many dressing rooms, the green room, the telephone ticket sales room, the auditorium (obviously. It was stunning) one of the boxes - I suspect it was the Royal Box - and most excitingly the stage. It was massive. You could have easily fitted our entire theatre on this stage. We were also told the story of The Great Lafayette, which I think is a blog in itself.

It ended up being a lot more than just a tour and opportunity to take pictures. Our guide gave us so much info that we can incorporate into our little theatre, such as sponsorship from different companies. I think we all came away with different ideas with how to implement these ideas. I spent pretty much the whole of last night banging on about this trip and my ideas to my Dad. I would have thought he would have been bored but he told me that they were all good ideas and he wanted to hear them, which was nice.

Speaking of our little theatre they have just managed to get some substantial funding so work will start on the building in October, which is very exciting. Step one; get rid of the rot and fit new seats. However we are going to have to completely empty bits of the theatre which is going to be horrid.

While in Edinburgh we found Forbidden Planet, where we shall be going on Sunday so I can make a fool of myself (see my previous post) and just generally had a good time. Well, I did. I hope the other two did as well.

That's enough for just now. I could post about the crammed bus journey but I think most people reading this will be familiar with my general contempt for buses...

AFP

2009-08-08T12:34:00.000+01:00

Exciting few weeks coming up. Off to see Amanda Palmer on the 22nd in Edinburgh, but six days before that she's doing a book signing in Edinburgh's Forbidden Planet. I didn't actually know there was a Forbidden Planet in Edinburgh.

The book she's signing is a book of photography and short stories Called Who Killed Amanda Palmer. The photographs are taken by various people and all feature Palmer posing dead in a number of various positions. It sounds dark and it is, but some of the pictures are really very beautiful and or funny. The short stories are written by Amanda's boyfriend/partner-person Neil Gaiman. I must admit that I'm nervous about going to get the book signed. I'm not good around people that I deem amazing and have decided that the best thing that I could possibly do is to simply keep my mouth shut. Otherwise I blurt out 'I bloody love you' or something similar. I wonder if she would sign my copy of her solo CD while she's at it...

And then, the following Saturday, the gig itself. I'm going with some people who I don't think have ever been to a stand-up rock gig before, so that'll be fun!

Right, I must go and look up some bus times for next week. I shall let you know how the meeting goes and how much of a pillock I make of myself.

Potentially unwelcome washing advice.

2009-07-31T07:02:00.000+01:00

Those of you who know me know that I have a huge problem with most adverts and there's one doing the rounds just now that I cannot stand. Unfortunately YouTube has not provided the goods on this one and the video below isn't the exact advert. However this ad does have my primary issue.

Why is nobody bothered by this woman dressed all in pink just walking into their kitchen and recommending them washing powder? If that were me I would be telling the pink lady to get the hell out of my house and maybe phoning the police if she started messing around with my washing machine.

Again, maybe I'm reading too much into these things.

Future Homes.

2009-07-30T12:38:00.003+01:00

When I can't sleep at night I normally just lie there and end up thinking about odd things. Last night I couldn't sleep and ended up thinking about all the voice-controlled objects that Marty McFly had in his 2015 house in Back To The Future Part Two. See, I told you I think about odd things.

I was mainly thinking about how annoying most of them would be. I have a function on my phone which allows me to give my mobile a verbal instruction and it will then carry that instruction out. Great in theory but in practice it doesn't work; if I tell my phone to 'call Kieron' it calls someone else. And I have to press a button to activate the voice control, so what's the point? I may as well just press a few more buttons and make sure I'm going to speak to the person that I want to speak to.

Admittedly Back To The Future Part Two is set six years from now and is - more importantly - fictional. But the technology in the house is not technology I would want. Who would want to watch eight TV channels at one time? I can't even listen to Radio 4 and read at the same time as the radio puts me off, so attempting to watch more than one TV program would be rubbish. And I don't want an insanely huge fruit bowl to come out of my kitchen ceiling when I say the word 'fruit'. Would it still make an appearance if you said fruit casually in conversation? There are some cool functions in that house though. 'Lights On' for when you want the lights to come on, for example. I was trying to think of something as cool as this one. All I could come up with was 'Flush'.

I have heard about people (and I'm talking about real, present-day people now) that can control their homes from a phone. One of my old managers could dial a number, press a few keys on his phone and his house would automatically close the curtains or put the oven on. Which is pretty slick but there's a lot that could go wrong. Get your codes mixed up and you could come home to find that you've turned the central heating up to full and the vacuum cleaner's going nuts or something. That makes me sound like a technophobe and I'm really not! But I like nice, simple technology. Something that does the job it's meant to do and does it well. That's why I'm a big fan of the iPod Classic. Simple, elegant and does exactly what you want it to with no fuss. That's my idea of progress.

There are three things in Back To The Future Part Two that I want. The first being the Hoverboard. Obviously. I'm pretty sure that I've mentioned this before but it hasn't stop being true. Second, the machine that makes the little pizza into a big pizza. You know what I mean, the pink Black & Decker thing. And the third is that dog collar that walks the dog without anyone having to be there. But, to be honest, I'd be happy with a voice activated toilet.

The Year Of Luurve.

2009-07-28T16:11:00.001+01:00

I saw the new Harry Potter film on Sunday. I've been thinking about it and - even though it seems to deviate from the book more than all the other films put together - it's my favourite in the Harry Potter film series so far.

I'm determined not to give any spoilers (of the film or book) so I will attempt to keep this as generic as possible. I felt the balance between action, drama and comedy were spot on. I remember commenting after I finished the book that it should have been called Harry Potter And The Year Of Luurve as everyone seemed to be falling for each other, except the two people that you desperately wanted to fall for each other. And that was all nicely done in the film. I was squirming whenever Ron and Lavender shared screen time; come to think of it I don't remember looking at Lav-Lav at all, other than the frankly brilliant hospital scene. On the other hand I thought they gave too much away too quickly with what Malfoy was doing, loosing the element of mystery that the book had. There was a particularly funny scene between Harry and Ron just talking about girls and their skin. Even though she's only been in two films it goes without saying that the girl that plays Luna Lovegood steals every scene she's in. And there was something that really bothered me which wasn't in the book that I don't want to mention.

But therein lies the whole problem of adapting books to films. You have to constantly remind the audience of certain things, you have to keep the pace going so the audience doesn't get bored. Look at The Lord Of The Rings; it doesn't even stick to the same order as the books.
I am reminded of one of my favourite books; The Beach by Alex Garland. That was made into a film with that DiCaprio lad from that film about the boat. I saw it and didn't enjoy it because it wasn't like the book. I then watched it again (it was on TV or something) and came to the conclusion that it did work well as a film if you just forgot about the book. It's exactly the same with Harry Potter Six. It tells the important story while cutting away the chafe. Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince manages says a lot without saying very much and if that means adding bits that aren't in the book then so be it. I'll live with it. Oh and you have to explain things for people that have never seen a Harry Potter film and have decided - for some reason - to start with the sixth one.

My big disappointment was the 3D element of the film. I went to see it at the IMAX in Glasgow and I was hoping that the sequence near the end with Harry and Dumbledore would require the specs, but no. It was the start. It was still brilliantly done and was visually spectacular but those waves and the ring of fire would have been amazing in 3D. Have I given too much away? Maybe I should stop.

My tribute to early nineties gaming.

2009-07-19T09:56:00.002+01:00

A few weeks ago I was in a computer games shop with a few friends. This shop - as well as selling new products - buys and sells old consoles and games. And they had one of the first generation Nintendo Game Boys for sale. My family had two of these machines, my Mum and I got one then my Dad and brother (seething with jealousy, no doubt) bought one as well. After seeing this very old school gaming device it set me thinking.

You see, these machines were eight-bit. Meaning the sound was awful. And since the early Game Boys only had one speaker it sounded really awful, but not without a certain charm. I started kicking an idea around my head; what would a modern day piece of music sound like represented in eight-bit form? I had to find out.

What you are about to listen to (or rather, what you have the option of listening to) is not in eight-bit. It is simple played and mixed in a tribute to the original Game Boys. Meaning it sounds like crap. All my mixes sound like crap, but this one's meant to. Of course, some liberties have been taken. I've got vocals on my tune, it would have been boring without. There's some little mixing trickery used as well you wouldn't have found back in the day. However the tune itself is fairly repetitive which is true to the period.

I've rambled enough. I haven't told you what song I've based this on yet, but you'll be able to work it out from the title alone. So, here's Super Mario Black Hole.

Edit: A little player thing should load if you give it a minute. It's taking ages here...

Eighty-Two films I haven't seen.

2009-07-15T19:37:00.001+01:00

I recently stumbled on the list of one hundred movies that Yahoo! reckons you should see before you die. Of these one hundred films I've seen eighteen. I feel so pathetic.

Admittedly I've seen the films like The Usual Suspects, Toy Story, The Silence Of The Lambs, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial and The Matrix but there are a few on the list I've never even heard of. Such as
- The 400 Blows
- The African Queen
- The Battle Of Algiers
- The Bicycle Thief
- Do The Right Thing
- Grand Illusion
- In The Mood For Love
- It Happened One Night
- The Lady Eve
- Nosferatu
- On The Waterfront
- Princess Mononoke
- Raise The Red Lantern
- Rashomon
- Wild Strawberries
- Wings Of Desire
- Women On the Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown
- The World Of Apu

I've never seen Apocalypse Now, Blue Velvet, Casablanca, The Godfather, The Godfather, Part II, Singin' In the Rain, Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs, Some Like It Hot, The Sound Of Music or The Wizard Of Oz either. Does this make me an uncultured slob?

Maybe I should get a hold of some of these movies and watch them. The trouble is that I tend not to trust lists like this. I once saw a similar list and it was called something like The Top 100 Albums Of All Time and Radiohead's OK Computer was at number one. Now, I'm not for a second saying that OK Computer is a bad album (on the contrary; it's a smash) but I wouldn't call it the greatest album of all time. That said, the list was compiled by Q Magazine or something of that ilk, I think Oasis might have had the number two slot.

My point is this; I don't think if I do go and buy these eighty-two films that I haven't seen (I would probably buy them over a number of years, mind) would they change my life? Why should I see them before I die? If they are epic or beautiful or heart wrenching or all of the above then that's fine, but I can think of more films to add if that's the case.

Films are subjective. Some people think that Meet The Parents is comedy gold, I personally can't watch it. On the other hand I'm a big fan of Blazing Saddles but I can understand why people would be incredibly offended by it ("He said 'The sheriff is near!'"). My other worry is - if I see all these films - that I'll only enjoy maybe a third or half of them. Going by the title alone I don't see In The Mood For Love being a film I would watch more than once.

I doubt that I'll really do that much about seeing all these films. There are certainly films on the list I want to see but not all of them. Which does render this blog completely pointless. So it can just join the ranks of my other pointless blogs...

Oh yeah, this has nothing to do with anything, but my birthday's soon-ish (translate as six weeks) and I'm sure I could make room for this.

Come fly with me.

2009-07-09T16:29:00.003+01:00

Getting a dog is a big responsibility. You have to feed it, train it and take it for walks. And walking it is not something you can get away with once two or three times a week. It needs to be done everyday, preferably twice. I have a dog and I walk her on a regular basis. I walk her most days since you ask and - let me tell you - summer is by far the worse season to have to walk a dog.

Autumn is probably my favourite, it's cold and wet. When winter starts to make an appearance there's a crisp breeze, even on the sunnier days. Winter is a close second, especially if there's been a good snowfall. There's a certain romantic quality to it which is just brilliant. Not too keen when the snow starts to melt as slush and I have never had a good relationship but I love a good frost, when each footstep as that awesome crunch sound. Brilliant. Spring; well, it's ok. The woods fill with colour and birdsong which is pleasant, but it means that summer is on the way.

I'll tell you what I don't like about summer. Summer (especially this summer) is too hot. You get back from your walk and your T-Shirt is sticking to you, no amount of iced drinks seem to cool you down and it's just horrible. Then there's the flies. Oh dear God; the flies! Today was particularly bad and what prompted me to write this, at a conservative estimate I reckon I had close to a million flies buzzing round my head today. My brother and I have tried several tactics. They include
- Running. Didn't work.
- Waving our arms around like pillocks. Didn't work.
- Spraying vast amounts of insect repellent on ourselves before heading out. Didn't work.
- Spraying insect repellent on the flies (the idea being that maybe they would stay away from each other if they were sprayed with repellent). Didn't work.
- Using a bug-zapper thing; a sort of electrified tennis racket. Didn't work.

My way of not getting to bothered by them is to wear a hoodie and keep the hood up. That at least means that I'm not being bothered by them landing on my head. The trouble with that is the heat; it's too hot to wear a hoodie, let alone go for a half hour walk with the hood up.

IT'S A LIVING NIGHTMARE!

But my dog is worth all of this. Besides, if we didn't do it then she would just complain.

How I love the bald sounds of Skunk Anansie.

2009-07-04T14:49:00.001+01:00

I have a tendency to get into bands after they have split up. Kinesis, for example. Ben Folds Five would be another. And Skunk Anansie makes three.

Skunk Anansie are a very difficult band to pigeonhole musically. They can be laid back, they can rock out, they can groove and they can be angry beyond belief. The lead singer - nicknamed Skin - is a black lady who was clearly racially bullied in her life and has found an outlet for it in the form of music. Because of this a lot of the songs are very politically and racially driven. Just look at the song Intellectualise My Blackness.

Skin has - simply put - the most magical and captivating singing voice that I've ever heard. She can be whispering to you for one line and the next line she's bawling at you; it really draws you in. Here are two videos, both of songs taken from their second album Stoosh which will hopefully illustrate what I'm talking about. Enjoy.

[Insert blog title here.]

2009-06-28T11:12:00.000+01:00

Today I is off up to Dunblane to see the reason that I started this blog in the first place. I'm off to see Catriona.

This should be a laugh for a number of reasons, the principal one being that we're taking Polly. Catriona likes the idea of our dog, but also likes her not to be in the same room as her. I can understand this, Polly can get... well, slightly excitable. Hopefully it will all be fine, Catriona will be happy to see Polly and that Polly will be well behaved. I shall report back.

The second reason is that Catriona's new au pair will be there. She's German and I know three German words; Ja, Nein and Flughafen (meaning Yes, No and Airport). A practical selection of words, I'm sure you'll agree. Hopefully I'll be able to get by in French, which she also speaks.

The third reason is that my Aunt has a really cool motorized chair, which I want a shot on.

Other than that not much to report. The job situation is really beginning to depress me, there seems to be nothing out there for me. I'm going to look for some temping stuff, but with the state of the country at the moment I'm really not holding my breath.

Anyway, hope everyone has a fun ol' day.

Really rather desperate to see this...

2009-06-24T19:35:00.000+01:00

That is all.

Theft is bad chaps.

2009-06-13T14:02:00.001+01:00

Good afternoon, my pretties.

How are you all doing doing today? I myself am über tired due to yesterdays activities. That sounds dodgy, but as previously noted I was at LIMS (or the London International Music Show) and it was a very, very long day. The day started by leaving the house at seven in the morning heading to Edinburgh airport. All was good there, my traveling companion (code name: Dad) and I had a very bland coffee and got on the plane early. Everyone on the plane survived the flight and we got to London about ten, half an hour ahead of schedule. Due to the bastards at ExCel deciding to make that place even larger we had a bit of a walk to get there.

Once we were in and we had met up with our show companion (don't call him Matty-Bo-Bo!) I basically ran around the show like a very excitable child in a HUGE toy shop. Had a great time at the booths that were mentioned in my last blog. I listened to reps talking about the new products that their company's were offering, I asked questions about various things and hit shiny pieces of metal and nice sounding circles of wood and fiberglass with a stick. I even contemplated some theft, small things at first then a big things in the shape of a massive drum kit. I got three things; some EQ patches for my kick drum trigger, a DVD and a rather fancy wee piece of software.

After a slightly late lunch of Chinese food we all attended the Sound On Sound seminar. It was just a simple Q&A deal, but I think everyone in the room came away with a couple of ideas. Shortly after that the show closed, so we went to hang around London City Airport for ages. Fortunately I had about ten catalogs to read my way through. The plane did leave on time, despite us thinking that there was no way in hell it would and we were back here for about half ten.

That was pretty much my day. I could mention how tired my legs were, how much I hate flying and how I broke my trade table and the toilet on the plane, but they aren't tales worth telling.

Hope everyone has a good remainder of their day and I shall be back soon.

Tatty-bye!

I'm off to The Apprentice Town.

2009-06-08T10:53:00.000+01:00

What with The Apprentice finishing last night and Ashes To Ashes finishing tonight I will soon stop watching television again, mainly down to nearly everything else being rubbish. I think the wrong person won The Apprentice. The right person was fired at the end of the second last week. Yes, I've poked fun at Debra but I thought she was going to win it. And then she got fired. Yasmina was the better of the two finalists though and she won. Kate was too obvious; how can anyone be that perfect? I don't understand. But let this be a lesson to any Apprentice applicants out there. If you want the job then just lie on your C.V. In the last two series the people that lied on their C.Vs have gone onto win. Anyway, that's enough about that.

I'm off to London on Friday, just for a lovely little day trip. I'm going to the London International Music Show (herein after referred to as LIMS) to walk around with wide eyes. LIMS is where a bunch of manufacturers get together and show off their new products and usually give you a chance to try them out. If you're in the mood for buying then several shops are there with stalls happy to sell you stuff. Think I'm probably most excited about the companies that make/sell drums and a couple of others; Shure, Orange, Sennheiser, that sort of stuff. There are over two hundred companies to work my way through. It's only polite to at least take some interest in each.

It'll be a long day. I'll be leaving at about seven in the morning and getting back at about ten at night and they'll be two - count them, TWO - plane trips in one day. This doesn't bother most people but, as has been well documented on this blog, I don't really like taking off. The rest of the plane journey is fine, just that initial burst of speed. Maybe I should do what Mr. T does; i.e. get someone to knock me out. Probably no blogs between now and then. Unless I can find some stuff that I've been searching high and low for, in which case there may be...

Take care y'all!

Music In Film.

2009-05-29T08:30:00.001+01:00

Last night I watched a film called Panic Room with Jodie Foster and a very good film it is to. For the most part it's all set in one house and it has a B-Movie vibe going on. Check it out if you haven't already. My one complaint is that the film could have done with a little, just a little, less music.

Directors or Producers or Studios or whoever makes the decisions have been putting music in film for years and years and it works, but I find too much music to be off-putting. It has turned into something that adds texture to a film to something that tells you how to feel. There are loads of examples of this; the one that pops into my mind is Independence Day. An ok film which over-used music. The scene with the jets chasing the little spaceships (it might be the other way round, it's been a while since I've seen it) is very exciting and the music mirrors that by being very bombastic. Then the scene where someone dies gets all big and mushy (both technical terms) and it almost feels like someone is next to you, jabbing your arm and repeating "Feel Emotion!" over and over again. For a lame comparison look at Cloverfield. You could argue that it's broadly similar to Independence Day but in other ways it's really not. Anyway: No music in Cloverfield. And you feel so much part of the film.

It's not just scores, actual songs can be great if used correctly but bad if used inappropriately. Lets look at the Bond film Die Another Day and *sigh*... Twilight. Die Another Day is a weak Bond film, probably the weakest, but to use London Calling by The Clash is stupid beyond measure. You don't do that in a Bond film! Don't get me wrong London Calling is a great song, but it would have been better if they just showed the plane landing. We all know Bond lives works in London!
Conversely there's a scene in Twilight where they use Supermassive Black Hole by Muse. Great sequence, great music for it. And great lighting for that matter. It just worked. I find it odd to type that as I thought Twilight was a film with far too much music. The sequence I'm talking about is also one of the few sequences in Twilight were very little is said.

Music in a film is like pepper in soup. You want to put enough in to make it interesting, but not enough to completely drown it. But, again like pepper in soup, music in film is a completely personal thing.

One last thought. I think that using loads of music in movies is the sign of a poor script. I'm serious. If you spot the music then you aren't being drawn in. I couldn't tell you where the music is in The Terminator or The Dark Knight, but I know there is some.

If you want to watch a really good example of minimalist music in a film then get hold of No Country For Old Men. Watch it in a quiet room and I guarantee you will be on the edge of your seats.

This is all the flavors of awesome available.

2009-05-27T12:49:00.002+01:00

It takes a little while to load, but Cassetteboy has really surpassed himself on this one. A word of warning; this is crude, childish and very funny.

Enjoy.

EDIT: It was deleted. It's on YouTube now.

Late Buses and Small Kites.

2009-05-26T12:02:00.000+01:00

My weekend away was good fun. It was great to see everyone again and meet a few new faces.

The weekend started out badly as the bus timetables on the internet were completely wrong, so I had to spend longer than planned in Buchanan Street Bus Station. It's a very boring place, the seats are impossible to get comfortable on and if you do you gently slide off them. After getting to Glenroathes Colin and I just basically hung around, listened to music, watched films and played Xbox. It was fun.

On Saturday afternoon we headed up to Perth on another late bus. We met up with Pip and Norrie and I met Ruben, their fourteen week-old baby. He's a nice wee chap who is just very content. There does seem to be a regular theme of me getting dribbled on by babies and Ruben got me right on the nose. We also headed up to see some more friends who were celebrating their first wedding anniversary.

On Sunday Katie came to Perth with her two year old, Bryony. I'd never met her either and she was incredibly funny. We ran around the North Inch with a little kite she brought along and Colin Norrie and I had a very competitive game of frisbee. My legs are still sore from having to practically run to the Tay. Didn't do much else. We went to Spoons and had a few drinks and some food.

And that was pretty much my weekend. I went by bus to Edinburgh and only got marginally lost while there. But then again, I always get lost while in Edinburgh by myself.

Anyhoo, lunchtime. Bye!

The Very Best Of!

2009-05-21T21:15:00.002+01:00

Two weeks ago I was asked to create a DVD for Biggar Theatre Workshop's Annual General Meeting. The brief was to make a DVD containing some of the theater's more memorable output from the last few years. As the keeper of the tapes I accepted thinking it wouldn't be too difficult. Oh, how wrong I was.

Normally creating a DVD for the theatre is a piece of piss. Start the tapes importing and go away. This part has to be done in realtime, so if the show's two and a half hours it will take two and a half hours to play in. Then do some topping and tailing, and some light editing, usually chopping out long series of darkness to give the illusion that the scene changes were smooth. Once that's done I add chapter markers, open up LiveType and type up some credits (the real ball ache of the entire process) make some menus, create a disc image and burn a DVD. Easy.

With this I have met every problem you can think of; tapes not playing properly, running out of hard disk space half-way through importing, my video editing software (Final Cut Express) seemingly making stupid decisions completely on its own, loosing whole files and more. I've had fun at the same time though. I have found that a certain member of the Theatre Workshop is incredibly funny to watch at high speeds. Dance routines are also improved with speed, but if you slow them down you can really see the concentration on certain faces, one cast member even had his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth at one point. If I saw that then members of the audience certainly would have. I only laughed safe in the knowledge that I will never get up on stage and dance in front of people. No coordination and a real lack of rhythm, that's my problem.

I will get back to the DVD on Monday as I'm repeating a journey that I made last year. Heading to Glenrothes tomorrow, then to Perth on Saturday then home on Sunday. It was exactly a year ago that I last did this, so I shall get to see my friends who were married last year on their anniversary. Which will be nice. So no blogging for a few days, I'm afraid. I also won't be Tweeting (Twittering?) as I have been doing a lot of it lately; at the time of writing I have posted nine-hundred and eighty-eight of these little brain-burps.

Right, I'm off to edit a tune called Sit Down You're Rockin' The Boat and then pack. Hope everyone has a lovely weekend!

Keep it dusty...

I can't think of a pithy name for this.

2009-05-14T18:05:00.001+01:00

The following blog was inspired by a text conversation I had with a friend regarding an album called Ben Folds Presents: University A Cappella!, an album of Ben Folds and Ben Folds Five songs performed by American university a cappella groups. For the most part the songs are excellent and I recommend you should check it out. But anyway...

There are some songs on there where the lead vocal line is over-sung. Now, one could argue that on a CD of a cappella songs that over-singing is a ludicrous thing to complain about but I think it isn't; especially when the vocals on the original songs aren't sung in that style. Yes, the group is adding there own take to the song but don't go nuts with it! Some singers, not just on the album in question, over sing. Simply because they were in charts when I was growing up I'm specifically going to looking at Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Destiny's Child, the Spice Girls and the rest of that crowd. They warble. There's no other way of putting it. They never seem to hit the notes, they just sort of dance around them vocally.

I have two theories on this. First, most of their songs have no melody. Second, and this may be a bit controversial, I reckon it's because they aren't involved in the writing and production of their songs. If you take KT Tunstall for example she writes her own stuff, plays on it and has an idea of how it's going to sound at the end of it all. Britney Spears doesn't. Maybe, by over-singing on her tracks she's trying to make up for her lack of involvement by performing the song in such a way that says "Yes, I may not be very involved with this whole process, but I CAN sing."

Now, I'm not calling into question anyone's ability to sing. Spears et al can sing. But they don't have to prove they can by shoving their vocal chords in my face at the end of every line. In groups, I've already mentioned Destiny's Child and the Spice Girls, maybe they are all subconsciously fighting with each other to prove who the best singer is; I don't know.

The other thing is that pop music seems to call for this style of vocal performance these days, maybe because so many people do it because they think that's the way to sing. It's just expected that singers should be able to do this. You don't get it that much in actual bands; the Kaiser Chiefs don't warble. But maybe that goes back to my theory that they are more involved in the whole thing. They don't need to justify there reasons for being played on the radio or appearing on television because you can hear the work that's gone into their stuff (I'm not talking specifically about the Kaiser Chiefs here).

I have a long held belief that I thought of while writing an essay in college, but it does fit into many branches of life. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you have to. I can play stuff on my drum kit that I have never been able to fit into a musical context. Because it won't sound good or will detract from the rest of the song - or both in some cases - I don't use it. And again, just because you can do that shaky not-quite-hitting-the-note-thing doesn't mean you have to do it at the end of every phrase. If it fits whatever you're singing then fine, more power to you. Don't do it to prove to people how good you are. Some of the best singers I enjoy listening to or that I know don't do it.

If you've made it this far then well done. I have never been good at writing my arguments down and I could chase myself in circles with this topic. Give me someone to talk to and I can really make myself clear, so I apologize for the disjointed feel of - well - all my blogs really.

EDIT: I've just re-read this and I have really picked on female performers. These singers are people that I have found overly guilty of what I'm talking about so they just came into my head while I was searching for examples. Males singers can be just as guilty. Paging Will Young...

Fancy two hours of high action fun?

2009-05-09T11:22:00.002+01:00

**WARNING - THIS BLOG CONTAINS BIG SPOILERS OF THE NEW STAR TREK FILM**

I really enjoyed the new Star Trek film. What I really liked about how they rebooted the franchise is the decision to set it in an alternative reality. James Kirk's father dying at the start of the movie set it aside from all of the Star Trek TV shows and films that we had previously seen, and what with Vulcan - Spock's home planet - being destroyed it gave the writers, director and actors to shape the characters the way they wanted to shape them. As Kirk grew up without a father he is much more of a rebel than William Shatner's Kirk. Zachary Quinto was an excellent choice to portray Spock who is struggling to keep his emotions (or lack thereof) in check.

The film really simplified the Star Trek universe. It takes the approach that all recent film franchise reboots (I'm thinking Spiderman and Batman here) have taken, which is to assume that at least half the people in the cinema will not know anything about Star Trek. The film makers showing the origins of their versions of the characters is a good way to go about this, but not having epic speeches about Starfleet Protocol and not having loads of what I believe is referred to as 'techno-babble' not only make the film more watchable but it leaves space for what we all wanted from this film; action sequences.

They were second to none in this film. They wreaked of science fiction yet they were all very believable. The scene involving the big parachute jump onto the big planet-drill-thing was really good. Kirk being chased by those monsters on the ice planet (anyone else expecting Han Solo to show up on a Tauntaun?) was really cool with the larger of the two monsters being genuinely scary. I felt the last big action sequence was slightly anti-climactic, but this was made up for by Simon Pegg looking for appreciation on the task he had just performed. Incidentally, Simon Pegg was brilliant as well. I bet he's regretting his line from Spaced where he said "I mean, it's a fact, sure as day follows night, sure as eggs is eggs, sure as every odd-numbered Star Trek movie is shit." The very start of the film, showing the birth of Kirk and the demise of his father, was really full on with the woman getting pulled out into space being plain good fun.

There were enough in-jokes to keep the die-hard fans happy. For example finding out Uhura's first name, Scotty making reference to the dylithium crystals, Kirk seducing a green woman, the quickly named Ensign who was killed within about two minutes of leaving the ship and of course the appearance of Leonard Nimoy. It was really cool to see Sulu off the bridge and kicking some sizable arse as well.

To sum this up I would really recommend this film. It's brilliant from the off and I sincerely hope that there's at least one more like that to come. I just hope Star Trek isn't strangled until it's dead this time.

How are you fired?

2009-05-07T09:40:00.001+01:00

When I watch a film or a program on the television I often wonder how they have made what I'm watching. For the most part I imagine that it's just pointing a camera at something and remembering to switch it on, but lately the way that the The Apprentice is filmed has been puzzling me.

First of all, do they only film one task a week? Some, like the first weeks cleaning task, are only one day long jobs; given the task in the morning, do task, boardroom to see who has won and then someone is fired. Then what? Do the rest of the group get six days with nothing to do? Or are they just carefully edited to make it look like they do it all on one day?

And the logistics of putting it all together must be a nightmare! I watch an episode of Charlie Brooker's excellent Screenwipe where they mocked up an episode of The Apprentice so you can see what goes into a days work. The production crew has to get all the random members of the public that appear on the show to sign a form allowing the BBC to put their faces on

TV. That must take time. They get the members of the team to make little backstabbing comments about their project manager (or 'PMs'. "I haven't PM-ed before. You happy for me to PM? Right, I'm PM-ing then.") and when the two groups split into two that means four camera crews. Put that together with the traffic in London and it really makes you wonder how they do it all in a day. If they are shot one after another then it must be bloody tiring!

One thing I have noticed is that the show has a number of characters* in each series. The loud one, the argumentative one, the young one, the hopeless one, etc. And that's very obvious this year. Another thing I want to know is what is behind that big door in the boardroom? I know the boardroom is just a set, but I have a theory that Sir Alan Sugar is coming out of a really plush toilet before each showdown.

Speaking of Sir Alan, I'm curious as to how much say he gets in the tasks. Does he decide them all? When he says that he's sorted out meetings has he really sorted out meetings? Or have the production crew done it? How much of his own money is spent on each task and does he keep any profit the team makes? So many questions...

I really like The Apprentice. I think it's one of the best-made programs on TV and can't wait to see who is eventually hired. There are two people I would really like to see go. Their names rhyme with Wren and Red-Ba. But I don't see these people going because they're good TV, and that's what we want to see. We want to see argumentative, bitchy types (Alan Sugar doesn't, based on last week's firing). The best moment of the series so far was when the one whose name rhymes with Wren had been building himself up for confrontation in the boardroom saying basically that no one stood a chance against him. Fast-forward ten minutes, it looks like Sir Alan might fire him and he's practically in tears. He wasn't fired. I shouted at the TV.

* I want to know at what point the word 'character' changed it definition to 'arsehole'. Each year the Big Brother house if filled with characters, or arseholes.

It's worse than that!

2009-05-06T19:05:00.000+01:00

Hullo. It feels like ages since I’ve posted anything on here. And now that I’m here I don’t really know what to write about.

I spent a pleasant time last week throwing cymbals round my local park which was a giggle, as well as painful. Never drop-kick a cymbal. My brother was recording all this so we spent about half an hour throwing, dropping, kicking, jumping up and down on and - as mentioned - kicking a couple of cymbals. We managed to get some interesting sounds but sadly not the sounds we were looking for. I really should have taken before and after pictures.

I also spent a happy couple of hours starting on music for this years Pantomime. It’s the only tune that I plan on programing the drum track for just to get that certain sound. I haven’t done programming for a while and I’m really anal about it so each beat and fill are completely correct.

With the exception of the spate of birthdays that are happening in my life just now that;s pretty much all I’ve been up to. It’s a full life. I’m off to see the new Star Trek movie tomorrow and having just watched the trailer I’m rather excited. It should be cool.

Until next time; keep it dusty.

Spot the difference.

2009-04-30T11:55:00.005+01:00

One of these people is Debra Barr from The Apprentice, the other is Odo from Star Trek Deep Space Nine. But which is which?

Flickr Video.

2009-04-25T13:46:00.003+01:00

I wanted to know what video on Flickr looks like so I uploaded one. Here's on of four videos from Wednesday. There be no bad language in this one. I call it 'Mine fall in at an angle'.

Regarding Regarding Twilight.

2009-04-23T19:55:00.002+01:00

In my last blog I talked about Twilight and how vampires should die in sunlight. I think it’s safe to say that there is a stereotypical view of vampires, all of which Twilight deals with in some way, but not in the ‘traditional’ vampire way.

They didn’t turn into bats. This was a real disappointment; I like vampires becoming bats, it’s a personal thing. However they can jump high, run really fast and scale trees like a monkey on speed. But no bats.
They didn’t sleep in coffins, in fact they don’t sleep at all. I may have to overlook the fact they would surely be more hungry for blood by not sleeping. Not sleeping means they would be using up energy by being awake all the time and need to eat.
The silver stake to the heart wasn’t dealt with, but Twilight does show another way to kill a vampire, which could have be awesome. The film also doesn’t deal with death by crucifix.

My big problem was that they can walk around outside during the day. Now, maybe I’m a traditionalist, but one of the coolest thing about vampire films is watching them turn to dust in a ray of sunlight. Just look at Christopher Lee’s death in 1958’s Dracula; it was epic! The laws of movie monsters are changing to make films more exciting and action-packed. The film 28 Days Later is a fine example of this. 28 Days Later gave us fast zombies. As a plot device it does make the film more exciting than you quintessential staggering zombies, but it isn’t how we know and love zombies. And Simon Pegg agrees with me. Here’s an excerpt from a piece he wrote for The Guardian newspaper on the forth of November, 2008.

I know it is absurd to debate the rules of a reality that does not exist, but this genuinely irks me. You cannot kill a vampire with an MDF stake; werewolves can't fly; zombies do not run. It's a misconception, a bastardisation that diminishes a classic movie monster. The best phantasmagoria uses reality to render the inconceivable conceivable. The speedy zombie seems implausible to me, even within the fantastic realm it inhabits. A biological agent, I'll buy. Some sort of super-virus? Sure, why not. But death? Death is a disability, not a superpower. It's hard to run with a cold, let alone the most debilitating malady of them all.

All I’m saying is that movies are becoming faster-paced, audiences are looking for a new spin on things and traditions are being twisted. But what’s wrong with an ambling zombie or a vampire being killed by the sun? I wanted to like Twilight, I really did, but I didn’t. I worked out half way through the film what was going to happen and realized that I didn’t really care how they got there. And I found it impossible to warm to the characters, there seemed to be a lot of staring at nothing and general wooden acting.

One other thing, is Twilight a high school drama with vampires or a vampire film set in a high school?

Regarding Twilight.

2009-04-23T08:18:00.002+01:00

OK, let's get this straight: Vampires CAN'T go out during the day, not even if it's raining. They die, it's as simple as the that. The Blade triology could do with learning that as well (they were lots of sunscreen in those films). But in Twilight they just walk around, not a care in the world. If they go into direct sunlight they just sparkle when they should shrivel up.

I should say at this point I haven't watched the whole film.

And - while I'm at it - why buy a book, read three words out of it and then Google those three words? Why not carry on reading the book? It more go into more depth!

/rant.

Your eyes are permanently blinking.

2009-04-21T06:43:00.001+01:00

The date is the 21st of April 2009 and the time is 06.45 in the morning and one year ago today I wrote my first blog on Blogger. I started it mainly to keep my family and friends posted with regards to my activities and adventures away from home. Once I got back I decided to keep posting with just some random stuff. Admititly posts have become less regular since all my 140 character thoughts are shoved onto Twitter and my blogs have never really had any thought or structure to them. Still, I've found it fun. This one has certainly been a lot less rant-fueled than my previous blog.

So, yeah. Thanks for reading.

Speaking of adventures I'm off on one today. My dear old friend Campbell The Great and I are hitting the road in an old school style to go and check out some whiskey. Good times. I will make sure that all the car doors close before we head off so we don't get stuck anywhere like knobs. I will be posting stuff on Twitter during the day and I'm armed with my camera in case anything amusing does happen. Mr. Campbell putting his driving gloves on for example.

Anyhoo, I ended my first blog with the video to Lemon Jelly's Nice Weather For Ducks. Today I will end it with the video for Lemon Jelly's '64 aka Go video. Listen out for the mighty Captain Kirk. This album was a bit of a disappointment compared to the other two to be honest, but it still has some cracking moments on it. For example everything on this song after the line 'A moment later'.

Watered-down, non-alcoholic Emo.

2009-04-20T13:28:00.002+01:00

I've just listened to an album by Paramore called Riot! and I feel the need to write about it, or more specifically music of that genre in general. It seems to me there's a formula that certain (mainly) American rock bands build their albums around. I don't want to completely pick on Paramore, but as it's fresh in my head I'm worried that I probably will.

To start with the album needs to be less than forty-five minutes. The first song needs to be a real kick up the beam-end to get you jumping up and down with the second being pretty much the same to make you think that this album will RAWK all the way through. Typically song three or four will be a slow-ish one; the bandís way of saying "We don't just rock out kids, we can play softly too" and then the CD will pick the pace up a bit and carry on rockin', usually with another one or two slower songs scattered somewhere in there.

Paramore did not disappoint me on my theory. The album has very little originality.

That's not to say that it's a bad album. The song writing and the singer's voice saves it from my list of bad CDs never to be touched, but it's the layout and production that bothers me. It's so clichéd that I felt that I had heard the album before; even the album art for Riot! reminded me of another album. I thought Riot! would either sound like Evanescence or Fall Out Boy and it sounded like a mix of both. Fall Out Boy with a female singer.

Can any band American band of that genre (a genre which I have named 'Watered-down, non-alcoholic Emo') break this formula? I want to end this blog saying that I will keep listening, but I probably won't. Again, for fear of offending anyone, I don't dislike Paramore. I have only heard one of their CDs which didn't exactly blow me away.

Tomorrow this blog turns the ripe old age of one year old. I might post something, who knows?

Best conversation ever.

2009-04-13T14:41:00.002+01:00

I had this conversation with a bloke from the AA in one of the shopping centers in Livingston earlier today; I forget what the centers there are called. If you want more specific details this happened outside HMV.

AA Man: "Excuse me sir, do you have breakdown coverage?"
Me: "No."
AA Man: "Ah, do you have a good insurance deal on your car?"
Me: "No."
AA Man: "Er, do you have a car?"
Me: "No."
AA Man: "OK, sorry to have bothered you."
Me: "No problem."

A classic example of 'ask your last question first' syndrome.

Fun day out number two.

2009-04-09T18:08:00.001+01:00

Edinburgh Zoo. We did go armed with some young children, but I didn't feel too happy about posting pictures of them online with their parents' consent. Also, things which move are a lot harder to photograph than things that stay still.

Fun day out number one.

2009-04-07T18:46:00.001+01:00

The Doctor Who Exhibition in Glasgow's Kelvingrove.

A word of warning.

2009-04-06T20:00:00.002+01:00

Hello chaps. I hope everyone's feeling ship-shape and Bristol fashion today. Just a quick wee note to tell you that I will be going to two places this week which will both have many photo opportunities so my next two blogs will be a bit picture heavy. I might not even bother to type anything. Who knows? It's crazy!

Also, blogs next week may be thin on the ground, what with the telly being so good over Easter. The Apprentice batters on, there's the Doctor Who special and, as if these things weren't enough, the very last episodes of Red Dwarf, which I'm very excited about. All I ask is if they bring back Kochanski can it be wee Clare Grogan and not Chloë Annett? Annett's good but Kochanski's Scottish; she was brought up in the Gorbals. Go on Dave, sort it out!

Many pointless facts about a boring animal.

2009-04-01T07:07:00.002+01:00

I have a weird collection of friends from South Africa, that is not to say that my friends are weird - just that I seem to have a fair few. South Africa is somewhere I would like to go, but not with someone that doesn't know their way around. The main reason that I want to go to South Africa is for the Dassies.

Dassies - or Rock Hyrax as they are more commonly known - are creatures about the size of of a small rabbit and eat mainly local vegetation. For some strange reason their closest relation in the animal kingdom is an elephant. I don't know why; they bear no resemblance whatsoever. They're nocturnal and sleep with their feet in the air so that the sun shines on and burns their feet. When the sun isn't burning their feet anymore they get up. Clever, eh? I think I might be a Dassie. They can be found on Table Mountain (it, apparently, looks like a table. You certainly wouldn't be able to get your feet under it).

And, for one of the hottest countries in the world South Africa has one of the largest populations of penguins in the known universe. Who would have though it?

In honor of the day one of the elements of this blog isn't true. Who can spot which bit?

And this is my 200th blog. Some point this month will be the first anniversary of this blog. I might even do something for it.

Bitch Went Nuts.

2009-03-26T16:25:00.002Z

One more update to my 200th. I shall need to think of something fun...

Danish bacon...

2009-03-25T18:41:00.000Z

My trip to Glasgow was good, Watchmen was good, Wagamama’s was good, it was just a good day. My biggest problem with Glasgow on a Saturday afternoon is the crowds - I just don’t understand why it’s much busier in the afternoon than the morning. My companion pointed out that it probably takes the bulk of them until 12 o’clock to get their hair to look like they’ve just got out of bed, and I’m inclined to agree. That’s exactly why I don’t miss my hair; one less thing to worry about.

I will need to go back to Glasgow at some point - possibly next week - for, err, stuff and then it’s back to Glasgow the following week for a bit of a geekfest. Here’s a clue. Later that week I shall be going to somewhere else fun. More about that after it happens.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I was in Nando’s talking about the Swedish Chef’s recipe for Chicken in a basket. Here it is.

Does it get any better...

2009-03-20T23:33:00.002Z

... than Ben Folds Five covering a Steely Dan track? It sure doesn't.

I'm off to Glasgow tomorrow to wander round then sit down for a viewing of a film. Should be good!

No foot rubs, I'm afraid.

2009-03-19T16:08:00.004Z

Thank you to anyone that listened to my mix of Dr Yang. You may have noticed that the player has gone from the side of the page. This is because I have just found out that the competition is not open to anyone that doesn't live in the Americas. Which really does royally suck.

Thanks again!

A MASSIVE favour...

2009-03-17T23:01:00.004Z

I've just entered a remix competition. To win I have to get the most number of listens to my track. Over to the left of the page you are currently looking at is my remix. Please please please listen to it as many time as you can stomach it. Get your friends to listen to it. I will give foot rubs to anyone that helps me win the prize.

Thank you for your help, I love you all.

The King is dead, thank God.

2009-03-17T10:14:00.000Z

Taking a step back to look at the big picture I thought The King And I went rather well. Admittedly, all I saw were the bits before the juniors went on stage and the bits that the juniors were on stage for, as well as some of the scene entitled Uncle Tom's Cabin. The stress is something that I never want to go through again, specifically the stress that a few of us were getting from one particular individual, who shall remain nameless and the Youth (yoof?) workshop has finally seemed to accept me as a person, which is a result in itself. The only thing I have left to do is to edit the two shows that were filmed (we had two casts - more or less - so two recordings) and give them to interested parties.

The annoying thing about having to edit the shows is that there are some people who can't seem to work out that all I can do is work with what's been filmed. For example, someone once asked if I could remove someone who had got up to go to the toilet. "No." I said. Since this show took place in the assembly hall of my old school - and gosh, wasn't it weird being back there? - there are many variables which no one seemed to take into account. The fact that you can hardy hear any lyrics over the band; the fact you can hear the double bass player tuning up through some of the dialogue; again, people walking right in front of the camera while going to the toilet. If it had been up to me I would have got a professional company into do it, but no one asks me. I'm just bundled with these bloody tapes and expected to work some sort of non-existent magic on them.

So that's my moan. Actually editing the show is far from time-consuming. The things that take a really long time to do are playing the show into my computer, that has to happen in real-time; a two hour show will take two hours to get in there and creating the disc image; which is the code for the show, all menus etcetera etcetera etcetera that will be burned onto the disc. For the most part I probably put in about two hours work stretched out over maybe a day or two. I currently have no drive to do it though. I just want a week without having to do anything about it.

The Juniors after show party is tomorrow, with juniors production team (that's what we're called in the program!) curry afterwards. Should be a laugh, except we have to set up for it still.

There's a video slideshow of pictures from The King And I on the Lanark Gazette website, for anyone that's interested. May I recommend turning the sound down to view it.

Ah, Monks.

2009-03-13T14:34:00.001Z

Back in the day - before the iTunes store, downloads and digital piracy - I used to buy these things called 'Singles'. Bands used to bring these things out consisting of a song from their newest album and one or two other songs that were not deemed good enough to make it on to that album. Stashed away in a little box in my wardrobe I have all these CDs that I bought and found them the other day while looking for something completely unrelated. Looking through them I discovered that while there is some good stuff in there, there's a lot of gumph too. Here's a list of them in full.

Blondie - Maria
Cast - Magic Hour
Catationa - Stone By Stone
The Corrs - Breathless
Embrace - You're Not Alone
David Gray - Babylon
Andreas Johnson - Glorious
Kula Shaker - Shower Your Love
New Radicals - You Get What You Give
Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me
Will Smith - Men In Black
Suede - Filmstar
Suede - Electricity
Travis - Driftwood
Travis - Turn
Travis - Coming Around
Various Artists - Perfect Day
Wet Wet Wet - Yesterday
Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag
Robbie Williams - Let Me Entertain You
Robbie Williams - Millennium

I have no memory of buying most of them. I remember I got three at one time; Driftwood, Kiss Me and Shower Your Love. The only reason I remember these specific ones is that I got them the day before I went to Euro Disney with my school in third year.

Nowadays I use iTunes for buying singles and EPs for bands that I got into too late. Soon I will finish collecting the entire Skunk Anansie back-catalouge and start on Muse.

The dangers of what we say.

2009-03-11T00:13:00.001Z

I’m on Twitter. For the most part it’s damned good fun, it allows you to post one hundred and forty character long thoughts and updates known as tweets. People have likened it to the status update on Sitonmyfacebook, but there are dangers lurking upon Twitter.

First up, fake celebrities; there are many. Most are really. Barack Obama, unsurprisingly has the largest following with Stephen Fry (self-styled ‘vice president of Twitter’) is a close second. I follow (meaning I see their updates on my page) David Mitchell, Amanda Palmer, Charlie Brooker and Muse along with other people, mainly friends and random people who get in contact.

The second and main danger is what you type. Roughly seven or eight hours ago (at the time of writing) I wrote an update saying something like ‘I can’t think of anything worse than having to listen to a Savage Garden album.’ then as an afterthought added ‘Maybe listening to two Savage Garden albums.’ I go away to the first night of The King And I - from my point of view it went pretty well, thanks for asking - and come back to find that the lead singer of Savage Garden is now following me on Twitter. Clearly he did a search for his old band, found I had written about them and added me. He probably didn’t even read what I had said about them.

Here’s the trouble; I now don’t want to slag off his band again as he will see the update and hunt me down. He might kill me on a mountain or drown me in the sea. I also feel that this has limited me to what I can do on Twitter. So I will say right now, I hate the Pussycat Dolls and the Black-Eyed Peas. I despise any film that Owen Wilson had anything to do with (Zoolander had some good moments, mainly the bits that he wasn’t in) and Chris Moyles can f*** right off. I say this here as I can’t say them on Twitter.

Just so you know, Savage Garden have two albums that I know of, and I’ve heard them both many, many times. I used to go out with a Savage Garden fan, but I’m older and wiser now and check people’s CD collections before I contemplate relationships. Does that make me shallow? I sincerely hope so.

Virtually Fat Free Lyrics.

2009-03-10T16:05:00.000Z

Because so many people visit my blog looking to the lyrics for the song that my blog is named after I thought I would pull out my copy of Rhubarb and write them out.

These are the lyrics exactly as they appear in the CD booklet.

When I was a young boy
Knee-high to a pig
I had so much life in me
I'd run and skip and hop and jig
I ate almost everything and anything I could
Buns and cakes and cakes and buns
My word those days they did taste good

Now I'm two foot taller
And the worlds a different place
Seems the last thing anybody
Wants to do is stuff their face
Mention what's for pudding
You'll only get a frown
Things that used to pick me up
It seems will only bring me down

Talked to by the paper
It's becoming quite a bore
Throw it in a dustbin
Cos I've heard it all before

Do you take sugar in tea
Do you get enough vitamin C
Do you count your calories
Are you virtually fat free

Cut up your cholesterol
And keep your fibre high
Watch out for preservatives
Read the pack before you buy
Keep an eye on sugar
Stop caining all those sweets
Well I begin to wonder
If there's anything nice left to eat

Talked to by the T.V.
It's gone way beyond a joke
Dietary pointers from a slimfast bloke

Do you take sugar in tea
Do you get enough vitamin C
Do you count your calories
Are you virtually fat free
I don't want to cause a brouhaha
But don't you think it's gone a little too far
If your giving me the third degree
Just because I take a little bit of
Sugar in tea
Do you get enough vitamin C
Do you count your calories
Are you virtually fat free
I don't want to cause a brouhaha
But don't you think it's gone a little too far
If your giving me the third degree
Just because I take a little bit of sugar in tea

Best. Written. Character. Ever.

2009-03-09T08:26:00.002Z

Something more substantial later in the week, but just now this is all I have the strength for.

I'm a walking contradiction.

2009-03-04T21:46:00.004Z

After a lot of thinking I have decided that my happy song deserves a public airing. It will be online at 7AM tomorrow, Thursday the fifth of February, and will be taken down at the 7AM the following day, Friday the sixth. If you don't hear it in between these times then tough. It's harsh but that's the way of it.

There will be a link at the bottom of this post from seven to seven. To get to the song follow the link.

Here it is, get your fill while you can.

And enjoy.

My happy song.

2009-03-02T15:13:00.000Z

It may disturb some people to know that I'm not always the happy, jolly person that (most) people get to see. I get down sometimes. I don't want a collective 'Awwww' from the people of the internet but it's true, I think everyone gets like that from time to time. Anyway when I'm feeling down there's one song I like to listen to.

I'm pretty reluctant to give the name of this song, but it always cheers me up. It's a mixture of things that I like about it; the lyrical content always makes me chuckle, the actual sound of the song is dire, the timing's all over the place and even switches time signature (it takes a special kind of ineptitude to change time signature by accident and I don't believe that it was planned). Also a friend's description of it as 'Lesbian Rock' always brings a smile to my face too. I'm pretty sure that only one person who reads this blog has actually heard this song (and heard it many, many times - poor thing) and if I give the name of the piece of music in question then that person - I'm sure - will start to laugh as well. If you do then please let me know. As I have stated I don't want to name this song, but the title has two words and both those words begin with the letter F. I will happily tell people face to face what the song is called, but don't want to put it here and again I will tell you why if you ask.

Now, I will never, EVER let anyone here this song. It's too special to be played a lot and it's a little gem that I would like to keep to myself so this blog is, in essence, completely pointless (as most of my blogs are). I simply wanted to highlight how great music is. No matter how you feel someone has written a song that will cheer you up.

I am now talking to the person that I know has heard this song: Don't post any of the lyrics. They are far too special...

The end.

2009-02-28T13:54:00.001Z

As it's the 28th that's my full month of blogs officially over. I've posted a total of thirty-five blogs (including this one) this month and it's been pretty difficult, as previously noted. I don't know how many I'll get to post in March, what with The King And I entering the last weeks of rehearsals then eventually onto stage and then the aftermath of it all; the epic cleanup it will entail, the after-show parties, etc. Then I'm planning to go up to G-Town near the end of the month to see a friend, although I haven't really thought that much about that yet.

To those who have read them all: Well done. If you have then let me know, there's a prize.

Is this real life?

2009-02-27T09:51:00.003Z

Two quick videos for you today. Old, but giggle-some.

This is a video of a kid who has just had some major dental work done is still suffering the effects of the gas/LSD/whatever the dentist used. I shouldn't be funny, but it is. I knew long ago that I was going to hell, so I might as well have fun now.

Now to poke fun at programs for the deaf. Watch the signer and listen to what's being said.

In other news, congratulations to The Simpsons crew. Two new series of the show have been ordered, which will make it the longest running show on American Prime Time T.V. The first full length episode of The Simpsons - Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire - was broadcasted on the 17th of December 1989, so it will celebrate it's twentith anniversarry at the end of the year too. A good year for them, all in all. (I did my higher English talk on The Simpsons.)

The soundtrack of my life.

2009-02-26T17:59:00.001Z

In a similar post to yesterday I give you the soundtrack of my life. Using the shuffle function on your media player of choice fill take note of put the first song it plays down as your opening credits, the second one down as your waking up song, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Here's mine.

Opening Credits:
Stockholm Syndrome - Blink-182

Waking Up:
Sk8er Boi - Avril Lavigne

First Day At School:
Theme From 'Dr Pyser' - Ben Folds Five

Falling In Love:
Kylie From Connecticut - Ben Folds

Fight Song:
Union City Blues - Blondie

Breaking Up:
Evil Woman - Electric Light Orchestra (What a result!)

Prom:
How Peculiar - Robbie Williams

Life:
Yellow Submarine - The Beatles

Mental Breakdown:
Half Light - Athlete

Driving:
Something I Must Tell You - Aberfeldy

Flashback:
Plant A Nail In The Navel Stream - The Mars Volta

Getting Back Together:
Bittersweet Symphony - The Verve

Losing Your Virginity:
Geek Stink Breath - Green Day

Wedding:
'76 [Aka The Slow Train] - Lemon Jelly

Birth Of Child:
Fentoozler - Blink-182

Final Battle:
They Will Call Us Savages - Hell Is For Heroes (A great song, well chuffed to fight to this.)

Death Scene:
Make Tomorrow - Peter Gabriel

End Credits:
Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead

In a similar fashion to yesterday's I know have to admit to owning an Avril Lavigne album. I actually have two...

Randomizer Action.

2009-02-25T07:19:00.001Z

A few days ago I wrote about the Wikipedia album. In a similar vain I give you the iTunes randomizer! You can play this at home kids. Open iTunes (or what ever media player you use to play MP3s) and click shuffle. Note the first ten songs that are played and pop them down. You have to put down the tracks it plays; no editing them to make yourself look good, it's fairly obvious that I haven't done that. Here's mine.

In Bloom - Nirvana
Radhe Radhe - Kula Shaker
Your Lucky Day In Hell - Eels
Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist - Muse
Pyramid Song - Radiohead
Cherish - Madonna
Night Vision - Hell Is For Heroes
The Real Thing - Gwen Stefani
Do The Bartman - The Simpsons
On Her Majesty's Secret Service - Propellerheads

Yes. I do own The Simpsons Sing The Blues by The Simpsons and Like A Prayer by Madonna. What of it? Looking at the list that really shows my love of cheesy pop. Tomorrow I post some fun things you can do with the iTunes randomizer game-thing. I just hope no one finds out my dark musical secret...

How unfair is this?

2009-02-24T15:05:00.002Z

I cannot believe the production team of The King And I. How can they even think about scheduling a run-through for today? They are going to make me wait two, well - let's be honest - three, hours for my pancakes.

Pancake day is, I think, the second best day of the year and I just don't see how they can do it. It's like organizing a practice on Christmas Day.

Incidentally, the best day of the year is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. It takes place on September the 19th. Roll on September!

Maybe you won't suffer and maybe it's quick.

2009-02-24T07:59:00.001Z

Sunday's rehearsal(s) went a lot better than I thought they would. The kids performed well, especially since we did a scene they hadn't really blocked; the adults were on good form (even if we did have to remind one or two of them that there was a lot of children in the room and to watch their language) and the youth were there too. No offence to them, but I really didn't see most of them actually doing anything. Apparently their big scene is in act two and we were only rockin' act one.

But the fun doesn't end there! Not be a long shot. We're stepping up to three rehearsals a week now (I think) which may send stress levels through the roof. In a couple of weeks it will be over and what a glorious day that'll be. There is a rehearsal tonight and another tomorrow night. And then next week we have exactly the same except doing act one.

The good thing about this is that my older brother (I referred to him once in the written word as my big bother; I was five) is coming to play the backing tracks, so at least the correct song may get played at the correct time, preferably before the singer starts singing the song.

As I write this I'm listening to a song called You Had A Time by William Shatner. A song with a message that says that it may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow, but one day you're going to die. I think it may happen sooner rather than later.

Random Article.

2009-02-23T18:37:00.000Z

This blog-a-day thing really is a pain in the arse. I'm finding it more and more difficult to write about something new and fun every day, but most of the time it's usually neither new or fun. I have a half-written blog on another computer elsewhere in the house about yesterday's The King And I rehearsal which I may finish and post tomorrow but for today I'll need to find something else to write about.

Today I will note my Wikipedia album. A Wikipedia album is when you go to Wikipedia and press the 'Random Article' button. The first is your band name, the second your album title. You then pick the number of songs that you want on your album and press the 'Random Article' button that number of times to give you your songs titles. So, here we go.

Band Name: Martha Chávez
Artist: List of religious leaders in 1873

Song 1: Squirrel, Idaho
Song 2: Semyon Kotko
Song 3: Voicing
Song 4: CR England
Song 5: Žitomislić Monastery
Song 6: Malcolm Pitt
Song 7: Mount Hampden
Song 8: Hanseatic Cross
Song 9: Canada's National History Society
Song 10: Smash

There you go. When I bring an album out that's the track listing. It's rather similar to a Mars Volta album. I might change the the band name though.

I'd rather you heard it from me.

2009-02-22T20:05:00.001Z

I bought cigarettes.

I'm sorry.

Could you tell that I couldn't be bothered?

2009-02-22T08:58:00.003Z

I said in yesterday's post that I would go and write a blog for today so it was done. Well, long story short, I didn't. So I will later be going down the well-trodden YouTube path.

I did watch The Island last night though, and it was good. A bit Logan's Run, but there's nothing wrong with that; Logan's Run is one of my favourite movies in the dystopian future corner of sci-fi. There are many unbelievable moments of The Island; the whole bit in the giant letter 'R' for a start, but you can really get away with that in the science fiction genre; I'm not looking for factual accuracy. The one big down side was that I couldn't take Sean Bean's character seriously, as he reminded me of someone I know from the theater, where I will be spending most of the day. Good thing he won't be there though. I might not be able to look him in the eye.

Right, I found this video by going to YouTube and pressing my little stumble button. This kid is unbearable cute and is basically what my kid (if I have kids) will be like. Enjoy.

So long weekend.

2009-02-21T17:40:00.002Z

I have simply opened up blogger and am now typing, so this won't be structured in anyway. To be honest most of my blogs aren't but I do try my best.

I've spent all day in the theater helping to mend lights that have melted and the like. And I will be spending all day in there tomorrow to help out with the first big rehearsal of The King And I, so that should be jolly fun. I had no intention of going until I asked Mrs. G. something and it turns out that she and I had been thinking pretty much the same thing, except I wanted to implement this on Wednesday and she wanted to do it tomorrow, so goodbye Sunday. I'm not complaining, I'd rather sort this out in my head sooner rather than later, but there's going to be an awful lot of sitting around.

Subsequently I will be having an early night tonight. I finished watching Takin' Over The Asylum yesterday (this blog was going to be a review of said show, but I thought better of reviewing a fourteen year old T.V. program) so tonight I will be watching The Island with Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. The box says that it has "the most exciting chase sequences ever filmed" so that should be worth while, right? And talking of the box Ewan McGregor looks very similar to an extra from Planet Of The Apes on it. Seriously, check it out.

Right, coffee time and then I'll write tomorrow's blog, so that's all done. Happy days.

Goodnight.

Complaining about reviews. Again.

2009-02-20T08:57:00.006Z

I have a problem with some drum reviews. Especially those found in Drummer Magazine, which proclaims itself to be "The UK's Loudest Drum Magazine". Well, it did in their August 2005 issue; the issue that I am quoting from today. I have made reference to Drummer before although - thankfully - not on this blog (maybe I should do some sort of "Best Of The MySpace Blog" compilation). The following is a conclusion from a review of the Traps A400 kit; a drum kit which designed to be lightweight and easily transportable.

As travel drums, Traps are a worthy product with much to offer when considering an easily transportable kit. However, a lot of players will struggle to find a reasonable use for it. Travel friendly, yes. But what do you do with it once you've actually finished, err... travelling? By the very nature of the drums it doesn't sound like a full-size kit. The Traps Kit would work well as a practice kit for players with a limited space, allowing you to fold it away into a cupboard or the corner of the room between sessions. Equally, if you need a kit for band rehearsals, but need something you can lug on the train, the Traps Kit would definitely come in handy. Miking them up for larger venues will produce a perfectly workable sound, but don't expect to try this kit and create a reaction near to, [gawps] "Wow! That's crazy... they're flat, but they sound like a big drum kit!" They don't. If you want an easily transportable kit, but don't mind losses in sonics, then you may find a friend in this kit. You just may not look particularly fashionable in the process.

For Drummer this is a pretty balanced conclusion, but I feel the reviewer repeats the same points again and again in different words. He makes reference to the kit's size six times and it's sound three times. Fair enough, the kit's size is a big selling point and the sound is important in reviewing a drum kit, but I get the feeling that Mr. Reviewer is simply padding it out as he needs to write a certain number of words. The article could be easily concluded by saying the following:

"The Traps Kit is great for gigs or rehearsal session where space is limited, however it doesn't give the same sound as a big kit. If you want to compromise ease of transportation for great sound then this is the kit for you."

See? Done. And one hundred and fifty-one words shorter. Of course that's just a summary of what the reviewer wrote, if I were writing it I would maybe add the price and write something about value for money.

The other thing that bothers me is the last sentence "You just may not look particularly fashionable in the process." Why the hell do looks matter? They don't. I did a gig on a pink drum kit once and I didn't mind; the kit sounded awesome. I certainly didn't feel that my masculinity was in question or anything. Any drummer that is worried about how they look while playing needs to think about where their priorities lie. If you play well then no one is going to think "He looks like a tool", they'll think "Wow, that drummer's playing really well". There is a lot to be said for being self-conscious and how that could affect your playing, but I've always had the "It could be worse" attitude. "Ok, it's a itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot drum kit that I'll play for the first time today; it could be worse."

There's more that I could say, but I risk boring people and potentially quoting other novelty songs, so I'll stop.

FYI this is the twenty-fifth blog I've posted this month. I only intended posting twenty-eight, so I don't know if I want to post three more and stop for a bit, or see the "post a day" thing through until the end of the month.

DWC07

Make it a good one.

2009-02-19T07:06:00.002Z

I love the Back To The Future films. I think they’re great; I grew up watching these films and, and twenty-four, I still want a hoverboard. That said you really have to love something to notice its flaws, and the BTTF films have some amazing errors.

First of all, a big one, at the end of the first film Marty’s home life has completely changed. His father is confident and out-going. As a result his mother is happier and his siblings and have more of a go-get-it attitude. Where does the Marty that has been brought up by the ‘other’ family, his family, fit into this? Presumably he was brought up differently too, so are his family not going to notice a major change in personality? And why doesn’t Marty’s mother recognize him. Hell, Marty is named after himself.

Also in the first film when Doc is explaining time travel after he sent his dog, Einstein, one minute into the future he says that Einstein skipped over that minute to instantly arrive one minute in the future. In the second film Marty, Doc and Jennifer (Marty’s woman) travel thirty years into the future. Given the logic of the first film they ‘jumped over’ those thirty years. So they should have travelled to a world were this merry trio have been missing for that period of time. Stands to reason. Even if you look at it from the point of view that it simply means that they get back to their time and get happily married then that just takes all the fun out of the rest of the film.

Since each flaw so far has been to do with the first two films this flaw should be with the third. Marty rips the fuel line when he goes back to 1885 and they have no fuel. Marty coming back means that there were two DeLoreans in 1885; the one Doc came back in when it was struck by lightning and the one Marty came back in. Yes, it’s the same car but from different times in its life. Anyway, why not drain the fuel from the car Doc hid in the mineshaft? Even if he drained the fuel out already then what did Doc do with it?
AND Doc says that building the time machine was a huge mistake, so why does he build another one?

The biggest problem with finding fault with these films is that they are dealing with such an odd subject. There are only theories when it comes to time travel, no first hand data. They can bend logic or even flat out ignore it in the name entertainment. And that’s all these films are. Just a big, fun adventure. As long as I get a hoverboard in the next six years I’ll be happy.

DWC06

Short one on remixing.

2009-02-18T21:55:00.003Z

I got a CD yesterday allowing me to remix and manipulate all of Ben Folds most recent album. Well this is what I've been working on.

http://www.divshare.com/download/6590761-74d

It's not great, I'll give you that. You can hear the loop point on the drums, editing the audience was a bitch and I'm not happy with the way the piano drops out and comes back in, but the ideas are there. I will eventually remix the album in my own image. It's hard to do it, as I think the current mixes are great!

The song's Hiroshima, so if you already have it, listen to the album version first. That way you can appreciate the many subtle differences.

I'm trying to stop wars here!

2009-02-18T08:41:00.002Z

I have introduced many an unsuspecting person to the sheer joy that is yellow car. The basics are pretty easy to understand; if you see a yellow car you shout "YELLOW CAR!" and punch someone. Preferably someone you know. The following list is the official rules. It would seem that the rule about the car being is motion is one that came out of my head.

01. If a player sees a yellow car they may hit whomever they choose. The force of the hit should only be sufficient to ensure that the intended person knows that they have been hit, unless otherwise accepted by all players concerned. The game is ALWAYS on, unless otherwise agreed by ALL players.

02. Only cars or models and depictions thereof can be used in the game. The definition of "Cars" is a vehicle primarily designed to carry passengers. This does not include cars which have been adapted i.e. cars which have had the back windows blocked up with the intention of using the vehicle as a small van. This does, however, allow cars which have been temporarily converted i.e. a car which has had its seats folded down to transport goods or waste on a temporary basis.

03. Only cars that are yellow are allowed. The definition of yellow can be down to interpretation, but here are some guidelines. Gold, bronze and shades or green are not yellow. Metallic yellow is acceptable but pearlescent is not unless the colours in it are only shades of yellow. Some manufacturers call a colour yellow, just because you name something yellow that doesn't make it so.

04. Only cars which are at least 50% yellow are acceptable.

05. Calling out "Yellow Car" is not necessary. A player may however need to justify hitting someone by informing him or her of it after they have hit another player. It is worth noting also that calling "Yellow Car" could give fore warning of an impending hit which is not advantageous.

06. A yellow car must be called when it is view, other players must have the opportunity to see the car they have been hit for. Occasionally this may mean having to turn back, but it is advisable to play with a degree of trust.

07. A yellow car cannot be called before it is seen i.e. you cannot call for a yellow car you know to be parked around the corner before you can see it.

08. Once a car has been used it cannot be used again in the same game.

09. When playing on a journey the game is reset when that journey ends. Otherwise the game resets when the players part company.

10. Sleep also resets the game.

11. If a hit is issued wrongly then the person who is hit has the right to return the hit

12. Over the years many additions have been made to the rules. These include such things as extra hits for minis, yellow minis, punch buggies (VW beetles) etc. These are not rules of "The Yellow Car Game" they are in fact different games which have been played in conjunction with it.

Happy hunting.

DWC05

More Cities.

2009-02-17T06:44:00.001Z

The little trip yesterday to Glasgow was good fun. We visited my usual haunts plus one new place where I simply couldn't blend in and I can blend in anywhere. Even in Hellfire.

Fopp, my CD/DVD retailer of choice, had series two to three of a TV show called The Britas Empire for £3 per series and I was tempted if it weren't for two things. 1) They didn't have the first series and 2) I worry about buying stuff from my childhood that I loved because I know now, as an adult, that I will be incredibly disappointed by it. I did get a BBC series from 1994 called Taking Over The Asylum staring John Rebus and Barty Crouch Junior, which I am looking forward to watching.

However, the fun doesn't stop there. Today I'm heading into Edinburgh. I wasn't really planning to go until "Ikea" and "Drum Central" were mentioned. So I had better get out of bed and get some breakfast. Got a either four little blogs or one big blog planned for later in the week.

Peace out peeps.

DWC04

NOT behind the bus, Spotty.

2009-02-16T22:37:00.002Z

It has taken my years to find this. YEARS. I give you: Supersafe With Superted.

Don't expect anything amazing today.

2009-02-16T06:42:00.002Z

I'm a big old fan of KT Tunstall; I think she's lovely. This is the performance that made her. An act pulled out of Later... with Jools Holland at the last minute and Miss. Tunstall stood in and performed this rather stunning rendition of Black Horse And The Cherry Tree.

Enjoy.

Space Filler.

2009-02-15T14:17:00.002Z

It truly is difficult to think of something to write every day. Someone I know made a mission for themselves to post a new blog every day for a year. How he did it I don't know because I'm struggling to write twenty-eight. Tomorrow will be a YouTube video as I will be heading to Glasgow very early, I just need to find a suitable video.

Today I think I'm heading off the local Am-Dram's lair in order to completely clear the stage, which will be a big ol' laugh. I haven't actually been asked if I wanted to do this but I will be and I will go. However, my father does have a habit of saying 'I need to go to the theatre to do something.' and then when we get there we end up doing about two or three other time consuming things that he didn't tell me about. An hour's job turns into a three hours.

So, I had better go and do that. Have yourselves a good afternoon.

DWC02

Happy feast day of Saints Cyril and Methodius.

2009-02-14T16:08:00.001Z

I know today's Valentine's Day, but I can't really be arsed with it. I don't get why shops go nuts at Valentine's Day because I’ve never understood why people seem to think that there's only one day a year where you can tell somebody that you love them. My biggest problem is is that I cannot buy sentimental gifts. Hence a few years ago I bought my then-girlfriend a Lego Ski Ramp.

I am just back in from walking the dog and I'm looking forward to a cup of coffee, but I think I should post something to keep the full month of posts up. The thing is that I haven't been up to much of late. I’m off to Glasgow on Monday so I'm looking up train times and directions to various place where I have never been before. I'm really rather looking forward to this as I want to see what's happening with Zavvi. I will report back later on.

Also, I'm going to introduce a new thing at the bottom of my blog. 'DWC'. DWC followed by a number is the number of days it’s been since I had a cigarette. If this number goes down then I’ve gone and done something stupid. I’m only counting full days, so I’m starting at one full day.

DWC01

I suppose they won in the end.

2009-02-13T09:10:00.003Z

I have decided to really quit smoking. And I mean for good. There are a number of reasons behind this, which I shall now list.

- My health. This one goes without saying.
- I'm fed up smelling like a cigarette factory.
- I don't like having to stand outside when I go to pubs, etc.
- This is a big one: People taking the moral bloody high ground.

I get lectured from various people in my life about how bad smoking is and what I'm doing to my health despite the fact they're verging on alcoholism themselves. People that happily smoke drugs tell me that smoking's bad and I'm sick of it. Some of my friends have flaws and I accept them for those flaws. I except the casual drug use and the dependency on alcohol, but when I say something along the lines of "I'm off out for some fresh air" and get dirty looks as I go and lectures when I get back. Once someone banged on at my about the dangers of smoking for half an hour. Half an hour! And the worst part was when they had finished I really wanted a fag.

That's not to say everyone I know is like that. The bulk of people that I know couldn't really care less, which is nice. They accepted my choice (and it was a choice) to smoke. So to those people: Thank you.

So that's that; no more smoking. The downside is that I'll be a grumpy sod for the next few weeks. Don't anyone let me buy cigarettes! Give me a sharp hit to the arm or face and drag me away. Unless I'm buying other stuff, then you let me finish the transaction and drag me away.

I just want to add that I know that the people who would bitch at me where just worried and trying to get me stop. I do appreciate the thought, just not the way they went about it.

Check out these sideburns!

2009-02-12T19:28:00.002Z

A few years ago Dave Gorman hit the scene with a show called Are You Dave Gorman? in which Danny Wallace challenged Mr. Gorman to find 54 other people with the same name as him. One for each card in a deck, jokers included. It was one of the greatest programs the BBC has ever put out. There's a book, but I'm still hopeful for a DVD.

The next thing he did was Dave Gorman's Important Astrology Experiment in which he followed the horoscopes of a number of different astrologers for forty days and forty nights to see if he was made to feel any happier. In order to make this a balanced experiment his twin brother completely ignored all horoscopes. This too was a brilliant show and one bit of it has always stuck with me. Again, as this isn't available on DVD but I managed to track the clip down on YouTube.

At least they got it the right way up.

2009-02-12T14:40:00.001Z

In order to mix this up a bit I thought I would pop an email up here that I wrote to a website that I don't like much. I have mentioned it before, but I won't name it here. Here is the mail, it's really rather obvious what I'm complaining about. I believe a friend of mine sent a very similar email to the same website.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Why is it when you reference England on your website you use the Union Flag, yet when you reference Scotland you use Saltire?

The Union Flag represents Great Britain (England, Scotland and Wales) and Northern Ireland, not England. The English has their own, individual flag in the form of the St. George's Cross.

I can fully understand using the Union Flag for a story which full represents the U.K, a new law or something like that. But using the Union Flag for some nosebleed story about some fat, little dog in Kent is just stupid and annoying.

I know you will ignore this, but I feel better for pointing out the inaccuracies and errors on your website.

So that's that. As per usual I couldn't think of a good way to end it. It doesn't matter anyway, because I didn't send it. I probably sobered up or something.